‘The Bachelorette’ Review: “Week Four”
Emily Maynard is back on TV and looking for love. Because it worked out so well the first time (‘The Bachelor,’ Season 15). And though it’s already four episodes in, we’ve decided to join southern belle and single mom, Maynard and her remaining suitors on this 8th season of ‘The Bachelorette.’ So read on, ya’ll!
This week, Emily tells the boys they’re leaving Charlotte, N.C. for a trip around the world, which starts in St. George, Bermuda. There, Emily will go on three dates: a one-on-one, a group date and a two-on-one. Already in Bermuda, Emily hangs with her daughter, Ricki as the guys ride in on scooters, looking like Sons of Anarchy meets an Abercrombie & Fitch ad.
At the house, Arie gets under Doug’s skin just enough to cause him to have a mild panic attack before his one-on-one with Emily. Mission accomplished. Emily arrives and the two head off to go shopping, talk about their kids and sample perfumes. And Emily wonders why she can’t keep a man.
Later, the two share a quiet moment during which Doug tells Emily how stoked his son was to get a postcard from his Dad and the random chick he’s trying to marry on a reality TV show.
Afterwards, the two partake in a Bermuda tradition by making a wish and walking through the “Moongate.” It’s not nearly as cool as the Stargate as it doesn’t transport them through time and space, making sure we never see either of these two again. Emily’s wishes not to be single forever. Doug doesn’t reveal his wish, but knowing him, it’s probably a cure for pediatric cancer or an end to the Darfur conflict.
At dinner, Emily wonders what’s wrong with Doug, because SOMETHING must be wrong with Doug. He’s just too damn nice. And we know what a huge turn-off that is. When she puts Doug on the spot by asking him to tell reveal his flaws, he says women complain that he spends too much time with son. Wrong answer. Instead of producing a rap sheet, Doug has done the impossible: appear more perfect that he already is. Perfect-er. That’s not a real word but Doug isn’t a real person.
When asked about her flaws, Emily says she sometimes goes out in public in pajamas. Also, she doesn’t workout. Not exactly the restraining order Doug was hoping for. Doug gets a rose, in spite of his niceness and to make things worse, he doesn’t kiss Emily because Grandpa said you should always let the lady make the first move. Now we know why Doug is single.
Time for the group date with Charlie, Ryan, Jef-with-one-F, Kalon, Travis, Chris, Arie and Sean. Emily remarks on how “the water here, is like, so blue.” Nothing gets by this girl. The boys learn they’ll be racing sailboats, with the winning team getting to spend more time with Em. As the race begins, Emily says she hates watching guys compete. WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW?!
It’s a tight race but the yellow team pulls it out and Jef-with-one-F nearly loses a finger. The losers head back to the hotel and while the other losers who won the race get to have drinks with Emily. Ryan toasts to a “beautiful trophy possible wife.” Everyone is taken aback by the objectification of Emily and bad grammar. Arie takes Em for a walk on the beach and won’t stop making out with her. Jeff takes Em for a walk on the beach and won’t make out with her. I’ve got a theory about that and it has something to do with his looking like the third member of Erasure, but I’ll let you figure it out.
Ryan uses his alone time to let Emily know that God designed her to beautiful so she should be beautiful. He also feels that she has the chance to impact tons of women with her decisions on the show. Emily sees through his BS and calls him out for dropping lines like “if you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin,” and “I’ll love you, but I won’t love on you as much,” if she were to get fat. Bottom line, if Emily is looking to marry Matthew McConaughey in ‘Dazed & Confused,’ pick Ryan.
And the end of the group date, Emily gives Jef-with-one-F a rose. I wonder if she regrets the decision later, when he shows up at the Rose Ceremony wearing shorts and knee high socks.
Back at the house, the guys get into an argument about the difference in the level of maturity between the ages of 25 and 30. This makes 25-year-old, Chris really mad, thus proving the point.
Next up, John “Wolf” and Nate do a two-on-one with Emily. It’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds. After an afternoon of swimming and jumping off cliffs, the trio enters “The Cave of Awkwardness” for dinner. As water drips from the ceiling above, Emily tries to make smalltalk with the boys. Nate gets excited about the “Quinn-O-A” they’re served. I pretty sure that’s pronounced “Keen-Wa.”
During a little alone time, Nate gets emo about his brother and Emily is touched. Later, John tells Emily he doesn’t feel the need to draw attention to himself. I’ve noticed that, as I had no idea who this guy was until just now.
Emily decides to give John the rose and send Nate home to his brother. That night, before the Rose Ceremony, Alejandro begs Emily to keep him on board. Like the other 13 guys, Emily feels a real connection to him. This is gonna be hard. Meanwhile, Ryan’s already thinking one reality show ahead, as he makes plans to pitch ‘The Bachelor: Ryan,” should he not get a smelly flower at the end of the night. He’s also going on a road trip to get Aerosmith tickets.
Outside, Chris picks another fight with Doug because he’s 25. Doug tells him he’s insecure but Chris says he refuses to “stand down” to Doug, who has no idea what the means. Neither do we.
At the Rose Ceremony, Emily makes her choice. It’s really, really hard. Seriously, ya’ll. But in the end, Sean, Kalon, Arie, Ryan, Chris, Alejandro and Travis get roses while Charlie and the guy with the pony tail are sent home.
Next week, it’s off to London! How will the boys handle fighting over the chance to marry a total stranger in a country where everyone drives on the wrong side of the road? Join us and find out!