Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Are Finally Engaged
It's a celebration across the pop culture nation as America's two prettiest people (circa 2002) are finally tying the knot. Grab your (free range) champagne flutes and start monogramming those towels so you can subsequently mourn the loss of your improbable future with either Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie.
USA Today received a statement from Pitt's manager saying, "Yes, it's confirmed." With this small morsel of a confirmation, the entire internet and middle aged, gossip mongering mothers everywhere have imploded.
But hey, there's still time to speculate and run the gossip mill into the ground since no date has been set and this could take several years. In that time we can look forward to various tabloids reporting on nanny affairs, drug addictions, and eating disorders that are all caused by the soul-crushing weight of this engagement.
Pitt is custom designing the diamond ring, which we assume is bloodless and not tainted with the tears of limbless children.