Weezer is doing this Hootenanny thing where fans (still?) get to play along with the band. Unfortunately, they forgot one thing: There is a reason most fans playing and singing is confined to late night drinking binges in dorm rooms and karaoke bars (Hint: they sound AWFUL.)  I mean, it’s very, like, Web 2.0 of Weezer and all, to hang out and sing songs with their fans, and “share the love,” etc.  and then have someone post the video to Vimeo, not force them to take it down Prince-style, and then watch more love filter in.  BUT SERIOUSLY.  Is this really what we want from our performers these days?  Not to hear them, but to hear us?

6. Dashboard Confessional, “Vindicated”

There’s something extra sad about getting pumped up by a song from a superhero movie, especially when the movie features a guy swinging around in tights. Still, this is a great pop song. And even though Dashboard Confessional is nowhere near as good as indie rock emo peddlers Death Cab For Cutie, have they ever rocked this hard?

5. Coldplay “Fix You”

Capturing Chris Martin at his stoned-helium-voice-worst, Coldplay’s “Fix You,” is everything that’s wrong with Coldplay: It’s bland, vaguely optimistic, cheesy, dopey, bashful, sleepy, happy (see what I did there?), but it’s hard not to like the chord progression and message of the song, as dumb as it may be.

There is something genuinely charming about “Fix You.” It’s a bit like watching a dopey (there it is again) Adam Sandler comedy hungover on a Sunday morning; You always know he’ll get the way-out-of-his-league-girl at the end of the movie, but it’s still kinda/sorta fun watching him stumble around trying to get there.

I’m going to go puke now.

4. Avril Lavigne “Girlfriend”

Avril Lavigne’s “Girlfriend” may have the worst lyric in the history of western music with — and I quote — “Hell yeah, I’m the muthafuckin’ princess” (though, I’m sure Toby Keith has equally bad). But something about the crunchy over compressed guitar and vocals along with the handclaps just works for me. Plus, for some reason I will never understand — NEVER — I find Avril attractive and dream about her singing this song to me. Ugh.

3. New Radicals “You Get What You Give”

The New Radical’s one and only hit “You Get What You Give” should be hated if for no other reason then it was cribbed right from the U2 songbook. It also features incredibly annoying front man Gregg Alexander.

Blech. I feel terrible about this one. But, hey, it’s better than secretly liking Smash Mouth’s “All Star” or Sugar Ray’s “Fly.”

2. Tom Petty “Free Fallin’”

Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’” has been played a bagillionzillion times, and that alone is enough to hate it. Seriously. Bagillionzillion. I think he got a plaque or something for it.

But I can’t hate it. It’s THE perfect pop song. Plus, I love Tom Petty unconditionally, clunky lyrics and all.

1. Toby Keith “Beer For My Horses”

I’m not sure what hurts more: Willie Nelson singing with Toby Keith in “Beer for My Horses” or appearing with Jessica Simpson in Dukes of Hazzard. At least with “Beer for My Horses,” I get to hear Willie sing “Grandpappy told my pappy.” I think that almost makes up for singing with Toby Keith. Almost.

MTV said today they had pull back on the shot of Seth Rogan and James Franco smoking pot (real or otherwise) at the last minute in yesterday’s MTV Movie Awards because, “It would lead to good times had by all and a further desire to watch music videos and/or put in an old VHS cassette of Beavis and Butthead.” It continues, “It would be a sad day for MTV and a sad day for all the young kids reliant upon MTV for the encouragement of binge drinking and unsafe sex.”

Um, so… They didn’t really say that. And who cares whether they showed Seth Rogan and James Franco smoking weed anyway? Certainly, if I cared, I would have been watching. Here’s the clip if you care to watch it:

The first single off Jessica Simpson’s forthcoming country album, “Come On Over,” has leaked to the internets. As you might expect, it sounds AMAZING. (And by amazing, I mean really generic and slightly less annoying than her previous work.) Shocking, I know. But here’s why it “works”:

Jessica Simpson has always been a country star posing as a pop star. She never had the pipes or big city swagger of Christina or the goofy girl next door kookiness (now craziness) of Britney. No, Simpson is the embodiment of the country music star model: Big boobs, Texas roots, low IQ — like Toby Keith, but with less chest hair.

So what does this have anything to do with saving the good ol’ US-of-A? Well if you look at the two super scientific charts below you’ll see that Jessica Simpson’s career arc is roughly equivalent to the free-falling reputation of the United States.

What this means, of course, is that if Jessica returns to relevance by going country (which, of course, she will), Barack Obama will be elected President and everyone will like the U.S. again. Simple. Of course if the album falls flat (again, unlikely), then McCain will win and we’ll have at least 4 more years of winter.

Inspired Bored by Entertainment Weekly’s list of the 25 Funniest People In America, I decided to put together a list of the 25 Least Funny Things in America (And Other Places). These are things so unfunny they make living people roll over in their graves (I have no idea what this means. I’m not a comedian, so I’ll stop trying now.) Anyway, here it is: The 25 Least Funny Things In America (And Other Places). Enjoy.

25. Screech from Saved by the Bell

24. Anyone from Seinfeld, not named Seinfeld or Larry David

And/or anyone still making Seinfeld references.

23. Web site “lists”

Lists are for remembering things, not wiping your ass, licking the paper (or screen), and smiling. </sh*tgrin>

22. Holocaust survivors

Don’t laugh people! Not funny!

21. Dave Chapelle quitting Comedy Central

I’m still making my way off the cliff.

20. The O.C.

Waterworks people. Waterworks!

19. Fat people

Fat people are not funny, just sad.

18. Hollywood movies

Blanket statement, I know. Sad thing is it’s 99% true.

17. Cockroaches

Cockroaches are never funny or cute, not even with Jerry O’Connell around. Hmmm… Maybe it’s the other–ah never mind. Rats, however, are funny and cute as long as they make delicious-looking, 3D food. (lifelike even!)

16. My credit card debt

15. A deference to dumb, racist motherf*ckers, from the South

14. America’s drug “policy”

13. Superstition

12. The morning news shows

These are either the WORST thing in the world and completely sadistic viewing experiences or completely hilarious excursions into the lives of dumb people. It usually depends on how drunk or stoned I am.

11. F*ck it. Let’s skip to the top 5

5. Dick Cheney

All pants, no party.

4. Condoleeza Rice

All pants, no party.

3. George Bush

It’s like the night at the “comedy” club that never ends. Seriously, just give him the record already and get him off the stage.

2. Your Momma

See! Not funny!

1. Dane Cook

[Making face and stupid animal noise here] Just trust me, THIS is funny.

If you haven’t seen the Weezer video for Pork and Beans yet, essentially, it just puts Weezer (and Rivers’ cool moustache) together with a bunch of YouTube celebs.

Everyone seems to like the new Weezer video. Especially internet people. Not me.

This song/video is exactly what’s wrong with Weezer. Instead of giving us earnest, poignant moments of raw emotion (Pinkerton) they give us this post-90’s meta crap. Look, if I want the internets, I’ll go on the internets. If I want music, I want real f*cking music. Not this over-ironic we’re too cool to give two sh*ts about anything.

I want my eyes to well up with tears, to feel the blood flowing from my wrists. (Too far? Sorry. Strike that from the record.) You know what I’m saying, though. I want the feeling I got when I first listened OK Computer all the way through on my super-sized $100 Discman. Or when I ran home from the store with In Utero and ripped the plastic off as fast as humanly possible (which is not that fast, apparently).

Granted, the video is well done, funny, and charming even. But this is so tired. Please! No more Chocolate Rain, no more Leave Britney Alone Guy, no more guys on treadmills. It’s funny. It is. But only for half-a-day and then we move on.

For example, I don’t talk to my friends about the first time I watched Chocolate Rain (or will about Pork and Beans). I don’t get really drunk and blow out the speakers to the video for OK Go. No, those special moments are reserved for real achievements. Leave the interwebs to us talentless oversharers.

And I don’t think, “Wow, I really want to be Chris Crocker someday” (though, some people might). I did, however, once want to be in Weezer — to BE Weezer, in fact — and imagined it several times. Once, Weezer was the soundtrack to countless daydreams. Now it’s just the soundtrack to stupid YouTube videos.

. . .

Okay, sorry, I think for a moment there I turned into Bob Lefsetz. I swear, I’m back now. And here is a meme that needs to happen — if nothing else, just so it can show up in the next Weezer video:

Video of people being punched in the face (via Waxy)

Compilation of Steve Carell saying “That’s what she said” (via Kottke)

Photos of TV (via Buzzfeed)

Ten Colbert clips you probably haven’t seen (via TV Squad)

Old guy attempting beer pong slam dunk (via Deadspin)

Michael Showalter is so indie (via Videogum)

“Smells Like Teen Spirit” on the Wii (via Waxy)

What. The. F*ck. Has Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo completely lost it? Rivers has been putting together a song based on fan submissions from YouTube piece by piece. It seems mad. But it’s incredibly funny, and actually a sort-of brilliant idea. It’s likely this song will be better than half the stuff on the last four albums (including the new one). Below is the clip of Rivers putting together the bridge and talking like a chipmunk.

(via Stereogum)

Fergie visited The Today Show this morning in order to prove that sexiness begins before the kids go school. Mmm. Think of all the awkward silences around the breakfast table. (Ok, I realize no one actually sits around the table for breakfast anymore, but just bear with me for a minute.)

And then to see Fergie not only butcher Heart’s Barracuda, but writhe around making sex noises in front 10 year old boys dragged to the show by their mothers hoping to get a whiff of Meredith Viera’s perfume. Barra-cooties, anyone?

(via A Socialite’s Life)

Maybe Saturday Night Live should stick to doing ONLY parodies of The Office from now on because, seriously, the two Office parodies they’ve done recently, have been two of the best things they’ve done, since, I don’t know, when Will Ferrell left?

Both feature Jason Sudeikis and Kristen Wiig as Jim and Pam, respectively, who do a great job mugging for the cameras. And Kristen Wiig, who has become a star since Rainn Wilson’s SNL, does an amazing Japanese-Pam-laugh. Kenan Thompson does Stanley justice in both, and Bill Hader steps in for Rainn in the Japanese version. I think, though, that seeing Steve Carell say “That’s what she said” in Japanese (I’m pretty sure that’s what he says towards the beginning with Pam) puts “The Japanese Office” over the top — and having Ricky Gervais in support doesn’t hurt either. But either way, they’re both classic moments from SNL.

Rainn Wilson’s Opening Monologue

Steve Carell in “The Japanese Office”