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‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ Merchandise Gives Us More to Hate

Fifty Shades of Grey
Ben Gabbe, Getty Images

Seemingly not content with having a terribly written book trilogy and a film deal with Universal, author E.L. James has teamed with CopCorp Licensing for a whole line of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘ products — because nothing screams sexy like a damn keychain.

Are you tired of this, yet? We are too, and we wish it would end soon, but since ‘Fifty Shades’ is based on ‘Twilight,’ this thing isn’t going anywhere for at least a decade. The book trilogy (which originated as ‘Twilight’ fanfic) has become a smash hit, marrying the soapy romance of its forebear with woefully misguided (and horrifically under-researched) BDSM elements to create a new breed of Mega-Suck. The books follow young college graduate Anastasia Steele and the older gentleman she falls for, Christian Grey — the product of an abusive childhood who now enjoys dominating women sexually because only people with abusive pasts could ever engage in consensual adult kinkery like spankings and handcuffs.

The books are successful because they bank on the allure of perceived sexual taboos and pander to an older set of women, with this sinister assumption that their sex lives are miserable and they have bad taste in everything. Oh, and then there’s that whole thing where Anastasia really doesn’t like getting spanked, but it’s okay because she’ll do anything to make this guy happy so he WILL (gasp) NEVER (gasp) LEAVE.

Anyway. Now there are going to be accessories. And we’re not talking sex toys or bondage items (which would make sense, and anything that encourages healthy sexual exploration is kind of awesome, even if it’s horribly written, but even illiterates with bad taste need love too, we guess) — according to the LA Times Blog, the items you will soon be able to purchase to make you feel more like your favorite co-dependent, desperate woman:

  • Apparel — This is so vague. Are we talking sexy underwear or galoshes?
  • Stationery Items — We know you just started learning how to read, which would explain your regressive attraction to this garbage, but please continue to enhance your literacy with this stationery set, where you can practice phrases like, “Where is the library?”
  • Hosiery — So you can put it on your head and rob the book collection of a smarter person?
  • Lingerie — Well, obviously. It better come in fifty shades of grey, or forget it.
  • Accessories — TBD, we guess? Imagine your very own ‘Fifty Shades’ purse and matching wallet (for buying better books).

Hey dudes, they don’t want the men to feel left out, so they’ll also be manufacturing and selling a line for men, including:

  • Boxers — The people of CopCorp know what is important, and that is your comfort because, at the very least, your testicles should be comfy while your wife/girlfriend won’t shut up about Christian Grey’s penis for weeks on end.
  • Ties — Christian Grey has a gray tie.
  • Lounge Wear — For loungin’ around while you slap your lady’s butt.
  • Sleepwear — For sleepin’, after a long night of slappin’ your lady’s butt.
  • T-shirts — We hope these have phrases from the book like “Jeez,” and “Suck me, baby.” Or maybe just, “I’m with stupid” will suffice.

A spokesperson says, “The merchandise that will be in the market the soonest are products with the shortest lead time, in other words products which can be produced faster. In this case, bedding, home furnishings, bath and body as well as health products will come in later.”

First, we’d like to note that these jokers have the same work ethic as E.L. James — you know, whatever is easiest and fastest, like taking an existing piece of terrible fiction and just adding a bunch of sex and changing the names.

Second — uh, who wants ‘Fifty Shades’ sex sheets? Are they some NASA-engineered, magically stain- and water-resistant sheets? What do they mean by home furnishings? Are we talking about an Anastasia Steele knife set and a Christian Grey area rug? Fragrances, make-up, and hygienic products to follow, obviously, which means we’ll get to smell and feel like a girl who just got out of college and can’t figure out how to use a computer.

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