What am I looking at?

The text says this is Gods of Egypt. And I recognize some of the actors here: Gerard Butler as Set, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau as Horus, Brenton Thwaites as a thief who meddles in their affairs while wearing a very questionable wig. And I know the director, Alex Proyas, a talented visual stylist who made films like the original CrowDark City, and Knowing. 

But what the hell did they make? Unlike so many of the big, loud wannabe blockbusters of the 2010s, Gods of Egypt isn’t a remake of an old movie, or based on a comic book or a video game. And it’s got big crazy CGI effects and Gerard Butler ripping out Nikolaj Coster-Waldau’s eyes, and people fighting giant fire-breathing snakes, and flying dudes with wings. It’s like the Clash of the Titans remake made a baby with Immortals, and then the baby got beat up by 300. Just weird weird weird.

Here’s a plot summary, from IMDb:

Set, the merciless god of darkness, has taken over the throne of Egypt and plunged the once peaceful and prosperous empire into chaos and conflict. Few dare to rebel against him. A young thief, whose love was taken captive by the god, seeks to dethrone and defeat Set with the aid of the powerful god Horus.

I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand why the young thief sounds (and looks!) like he comes from the British part of Egypt, or what this war between the gods is all about, or what’s going on with that lava mountain thing. I don’t understand it and that’s why I can’t wait to see it. It looks bizarre and crazy and insane, my three favorite things for a movie about fighting ancient gods to be.

Gods of Egypt opens in theaters on February 26, 2016.