2012 Memorial Day Weekend TV Marathons: Our Guide on What to Watch

So you're looking for something to do this Memorial Day weekend, and maybe you're stuck with family and need something to drown out your uncle waxing political while your mom goes on and on about her best friend's liposuction, or maybe you're at home by yourself and bored out of your mind.

We've got you covered with hours upon hours of TV entertainment to choose from!

Whether your deal is movies or TV shows, we've got a list of the best cable has to offer on this fine Memorial Day weekend. Please note that all times listed are Eastern.

Friday

'Dark Shadows' Marathon: All 12 episodes of the long-forgotten 1991 remake of the classic 70s soap will air on Chiller from 9 am to 5 pm. If a vampire soap opera doesn't interest you, we've got three words that might: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

'Law & Order: Criminal Intent': The CLOO channel knows what's up. When we think marathons, we think 'Law & Order,' a show best watched marathon-style on lazy weekend afternoons. Get your fill of procedural drama from 6 am to 2 am.

'Pirates of the Caribbean' Movie Marathon: ABC Family is airing all three 'Pirates' films from 2:30 to 8:30 pm. Grab your eye liner and get ready to join Captain Jack Sparrow on an adventure from the Black Pearl to World's End. Treasure optional.

Military Movies Marathon: Things are a bit more patriotic over on AMC, with an epic line-up that features 'A Bridge Too Far,' 'Patton,' 'The Green Berets,' 'The Dirty Dozen,' and 'Midway.' Beginning at 9 am on Friday and ending at 2:30 am, bright and early Saturday morning.

'The Waltons': Perhaps you'd like a piece of honest-to-goodness family Americana? A little wholesome drama to go with that apple pie? Embrace the cliche and check out 'The Waltons' on GMC from noon to 10 pm.

'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant': Let us explain! Have you ever actually seen this show? It's about women who didn't know they were pregnant until a baby popped out of them. For instance, one woman gave birth to a baby on a toilet when she thought she had indigestion. We are not even kidding. Get all kinds of absurd on OWN from 11 am to 8 pm. That's nine hours of women who didn't know they were pregnant.

'Roseanne': Think of this as an antidote to that wholesome 'Waltons' business. 'R0seanne' was more than just a show with a loud-mouthed house wife -- this show gave us a legitimate sitcom about the working class, loaded with humor and heart. Catch it on Oxygen from 9 am to 6 pm.

'Gangland': This A&E documentary series airs on Spike TV from 9:30 am to 5:30 pm. Each episode takes a look at a different gang from around the nation. We hope for your sake they air the episode about the gang called "The Best Friends." No, really -- that's totally the name of a gang.

'Nightmare on Elm Street' TV Marathon: Remember the 'Nightmare on Elm Street' TV show from the 90s that sought to further capitalize on the popularity of the film franchise? It was as corny as you'd imagine, but for those craving a little horror or something exceptionally ridiculous, you can watch it on SyFy from 8 am to 6 pm.

Western Movie Marathon: So you're a different kind of American -- the kind who believes in outlaws who smell like leather, roaming the plains and living by their own code. TMC has you covered with 'Way Out West,' 'Dodge City,' 'Arizona Legion,' 'Wyoming,' 'San Antonio,' 'Vengeance Valley,' 'The Wild North,' and 'Lone Star.' This epic marathon runs from 7 am to 8 pm, giving you a full day of the wild west.

'Ghost Adventures': Watch as a bunch of ghost hunters look for proof of real paranormal activity. This marathon appropriately runs through the night from 6 pm to 4 am the next morning, on the Travel Channel.

'Law & Order: SVU': Arguably the best 'Law & Order' series to date, this show features Detectives Benson and Stabler solving heinous crimes on the Special Victims Unit. Perfect marathon material on USA, from 3 to 11 pm.

Saturday

Military Movies Marathon: AMC rounds out their Friday films with these additions: 'The Great Raid,' 'Tank Commandos,' 'Battle of the Bulge,' 'Heartbreak Ridge,' 'Flags of Our Fathers,' and 'Letters From Iwo Jima.' Beginning at 2:30 am Saturday morning, this marathon lasts until 6 am Sunday. That's more than enough military action for all you history nuts.

'The Tudors': Maybe a little British historical drama is more your speed? This marathon of the steamy drama series 'The Tudors' runs on BBC America from 6 am to midnight.

'Monk': Everyone's favorite obsessive compulsive detective (the only obsessive compulsive detective?) is back in this marathon on CLOO, starting at 7 am and running all the way to 6 am Sunday morning.

'The Mary Tyler Moore Show': Who can turn the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worth while? No, not Zooey Deschanel -- Mary Tyler Moore, duh. Marathon this classic series on Hallmark from 10 am to 10 pm.

'Drop Dead Diva': What happens when a model dies and is reincarnated as an overweight lawyer? This show. But if you're a fan of 'Mad Men,' it might be worth clicking over to see your boy Ginsberg before he joined Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce. On LMN from 8 pm to 4 am.

'16 and Pregnant': This might just be the apex of first world problems right here. A reality show (check) on MTV (check) about pregnant teenagers (check). Yes, that about covers it. If you're looking for melodramatic, mindless entertainment, head to MTV from 6 am to 2 pm.

'America's Next Top Model': Oxygen is airing eleven hours of 'ANTM' for those craving a trainwreck. Watch Tyra Banks try to shape these girls into certified models from 10 am to 9 pm.

'Survivorman': Over on the Science channel from 6 am Saturday to 3 am Sunday morning, you can watch a man brave the wilderness and the unknown as he shows you how you can survive similar situations -- you know, should you ever get stranded on an island and have to drink your own pee or something.

Monster Movie Marathon: SyFy has the market cornered on ridiculous with this block of insane monster movies airing from 9 am Saturday 'til 5 am Sunday: 'Dinoshark,' 'Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus,' 'Dinocroc vs. Supergator,' 'Malibu Shark Attack,' 'Lake Placid 2,' 'Lake Placid 3,' 'Super Shark,' 'Sharktopus,' "Dinocroc vs. Supergator,' and  'Supergator.'

Sunday

Military Movie Marathon: AMC continues its patriotic marathon with 'Hart's  War,' 'To Hell and Back,' and the ultimate war movie -- 'Apocalypse Now Redux.' Grab your flag and go to war from 10 am to 9 pm. And hey, maybe stick around after for 'The Killing' and 'Mad Men.' Okay, you can skip 'The Killing,' but you should seriously watch 'Mad Men.'

'The Tudors' and 'Planet Earth': BBC America strikes back with more episodes of 'The Tudors' from midnight to 8 pm, followed by the captivating exploration series, 'Planet Earth,' from 8 pm to 3 am.

'Mythbusters': Discovery keeps chugging along with more myth-busting action from 9 am to 3 am the following morning. If you haven't gotten your fill of the gang proving or disproving myths at that point, we can't help you.

'Family Ties': On GMC from 2 pm to 1 am you can get real comfy with your nostalgia and revisit Michael J. Fox and the Keaton family in this show about a left-wing couple raising conservative kids. We promise, it sounds like horror, but it's totally comedy.

'The Bob Newhart Show': Bring your brother Darrel and your other brother Darrel and your other brother Darrel and gather 'round the warming glow of the TV to watch 'The Bob Newhart Show' on Hallmark from 10 am to 10 pm.

'Portlandia': We cannot stress the importance of this marathon to you enough. If you marathon nothing else this weekend, check out 'Portlandia' on IFC, starting at noon. Carrie Brownstein (formerly of the band Sleater-Kinney) and Fred Armisen ('SNL') explore the city of Portland in this sketch comedy show filled with awesome guest stars, like Kristen Wiig, Aubrey Plaza, and musicians like Annie Clark of St. Vincent.

'Star Wars' Movie Marathon: It's back. For two days in a row you can watch a 'Star Wars' marathon of intergalactic proportions on Spike TV, from 1 pm to 11:30 pm.

Monday

'Top Gear': BBC America is airing over twelve hours of the hit show from 8 am to 8:30 pm, followed by the season premiere.

'Face Off': No, this isn't the Nic Cage/John Travolta movie, it's a competition show featuring special effects make-up artists squaring off to see who has the best skills. Airing on Chiller from 6 am to 6 pm.

'South Park': Comedy Central is airing an entire 24 hour 'South Park' marathon from 11 pm Sunday to 11 pm Monday. Kenny is going to die... like, a lot.

'Band of Brothers': Produced by Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks, this series tracks the famous Easy Company during World War II. Spike TV is airing the series from 9 am to 9 pm.

'Sex and the City': Catch up with your favorite ladies as they navigate life and love in New York on Style from noon to 8 pm.

'Law & Order': The original series that started it all gets a marathon on TNT from 10 am to 8 pm. That's 10 whole hours of procedural courtroom drama. Your mom will be thrilled.