This week, it was announced that both ‘Cliffhanger’ (a semi-popular Sylvester Stallone movie) and ‘Stargate’ (a movie I once got for free along with ‘Lost in Space’ after the purchase of a DVD player) are being rebooted, which means that everyone is officially out of movie ideas. If you no longer have the strength to fight this trend and, instead, choose to be complacent, then, for you, here are six more movies that should not be rebooted, but we might as well because that’s just the way it is now. Anyway, here’s what those press releases will probably look like.
Paramount Pictures is proud to announce that after 17 years dormant, the ‘Hard Rain’ franchise will pour onto screens for a third quarter 2015 opening. We are pleased to announce that a writer you are not that familiar with is already working on the screenplay and that this movie will one day have a director and a cast. We fully expect Christian Slater to cameo as ‘Jim.’
“If you only see one film the rest of your life, it should be … 'Dante’s Peak.'” – Larry King
Truer words have not been spoken, so that’s why Universal Pictures is so happy to announce that ‘Dante’s Peak’ will explode in theaters in 2016. ‘There’s been a dearth of volcano movies over the last decade and it’s high time we corrected that,’ said Universal’s North American director of film distribution.
CORRECTION: As it turns out, that last quote was from Norm Macdonald who was playing Larry King. We apologize for the error. Please update your stories accordingly.
Just ahead of its 20 year anniversary, Paramount Pictures is very excited to announce the reboot of a timeless classic, ‘Milk Money.’ We hope that the devoted fans of ‘Milk Money’ – commonly referred to as ‘Milkers’ – are as excited about this news as we are about this classic film being re-imagined for a new generation. Benedict Cumberbatch is tentatively attached to the project as ‘Tom,’ but it probably won’t be him by the time this actually starts filming.
‘The Astronaut’s Wife’
The further adventures of Astronaut Spencer Armacost will continue! After the success of last year’s runaway hit, ‘Gravity,’ Warner Bros. is ecstatic to announce that we will be rebooting the Johnny Depp space-themed classic with an all-new cast. Warner Bros. has every intention of hiring a writer, then even a director, who will bring this sci-fi classic back to life for the spring of 2016. We understand the demand for tickets will be high, so you can already pre-order them at the rebooted film’s brand new website, www.theincredibleburtwonderstone.com.
Attack of the Clones
Disney, along with Lucasfilm, is proud to announce that, due to the overwhelming love for 2002’s ‘Attack of the Clones,’ we will be remaking the film, shot by shot, with all of the same actors. ‘What?,’ replied an excited Ewan McGregor when he was told about the news earlier today. Samuel L. Jackson could not contain his exuberance when he asked, ‘Is this a joke?’ Disney expects to have the new ‘Attack of the Clones’ in theaters by Christmas of 2020.
Disney is happy to announce that “Maleficent,” which just came out today, will be rebooted and back in theaters for a 2018 release. ‘We know the first one wasn’t very good, but people paid to see it anyway, so why not?,’ said Disney’s spokesperson.
Mike Ryan is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.