The Mystery of Chris Kattan’s Unpublished ‘Mr. Peepers’ Script

Many of you will recall Chris Kattan's character Peepers from his days on 'Saturday Night Live.' The infamous primate-like character with an affinity for apples and only one sound in his vocabulary: "Bah!"

What you may not know is something we discovered today. Kattan's unpublished paperback screenplay entitled, 'Peepers, a canticle.' 

SF Weekly was sent a copy of this screenplay, based on the 1979 film ' Being There,' which starred Peter Sellers as Chance, a simpleton whose nonsense is believed by many to be omnipotent wisdom. The character of Chance is replaced by Peepers in the book, with his trademark "Bah" serving as  the misinterpreted brilliance.

Along with the screenplay was a note saying, "I found this at City Lights," a book store. When SF Weekly called the store, no one had ever heard of it, nor was the ISBN number listed in the store's database, which leads us to believe that maybe someone close to Mr. Kattan -- or Kattan himself -- planted the screenplay there. It's also unclear whether Kattan even wrote the screenplay or if this is the work of some unrelated genius with too much time on his hands.

The screenplay serves as the basis for an unproduced film, with its copyright listed as 2012, but SF Weekly points out that you can read the book in its hilarious entirety on Scribd.

In the screenplay, Peepers interacts with many famous people, including President Bush. And, as is expected, he mostly spits apples at and humps all of them. And although the book is jokingly referred to in the pages as "a work of pure art that would no doubt send shock waves through the multiplexes, and indeed even the bedrock of American culture," it is sort of insanely brilliant, as evidenced by this final passage:

Still entranced by the rivulets, Peepers walks forward into the lake. Only he does not submerge.Peepers is walking on the water.

He reaches the middle of the lake before realizing what he's doing. He looks around in mute surprise. He lays down on the surface of the lake and begins to hump it with deliberate thrusts. He is having sex with the entire earth.

FADE OUT.

FIN.

If you are reading this and you happen to be sitting on a pile of disposable income that you've earmarked for space travel or Botox or saving sick Somalian children or giant phallic sculptures or whatever it is you rich people like to spend your money on -- take that money and do the universe a favor. Please find Chris Kattan, give him that money, and make 'Peepers, a canticle' the reality we all deserve.

Seriously, check out this cover:

And a brief refresher course on Mr. Peepers' legacy on 'SNL':