As the final grains of sand flow through the hourglass, and 2014’s last precious seconds slip through our fingers, we pause now, at this time of solemn contemplation and hearty merriment, to make a bunch of perverted jokes. It’s sort of what we do.

Of all the annual traditions associated with year-end list-making, the one I anticipate the most, December after December, is the celebration of the most promising porn parody titles. You know what I’m talking about; that’s when some opportunistic pornographer takes a famous film title (like, say, ‘Edward Scissorhands’) and turns it into a dirty, bizarre pun and then makes a movie out of it (like, say, ‘Edward Penishands’). To the best of our knowledge (which, believe it or not, isn’t all that extensive) none of these porn movies exist yet; this is us putting on our thinking caps (and absolutely no other clothes whatsoever) and envisioning what this country’s smutmeisters would do with the raw materials that were this year’s movies. (Heh, “raw.”)

And so, please welcome the 2014 class of porn parody titles! They are:

‘22 Hump Street’
‘Million Dollar Baby Arm’
‘Big Hero Sex’
‘John Dick’
‘Winter’s Tail’
‘Thigh Origins’
‘Jersey Boy-on-Boys’
‘Dawn of the Planet of the Babes’
‘Ex-Ho-Dus: Bods and Ding-a-Lings’
‘Non-Stop (Banging)’
‘The Preggo Movie’
‘Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lay’

Also, let’s not forget the outstanding movie titles of 2014 that serve as their own porn parody titles, and require no editing whatsoever:

‘The Nut Job’
‘Bears’
‘That Awkward Moment’
‘Happy Ending’
‘Endless Love’
‘Moms’ Night Out’
‘Get On Up’
‘Sex Tape’
‘The Giver’

From everyone at ScreenCrush, we wish you a Happy New Year. Here’s to a great 2015. We’re already looking forward to all the potential porn parody titles for ‘Mad Max: Fury Road’