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‘Star Wars” Galactic Empire Responds to the White House’s Death Star Ruling

Star Wars Death Star
Lucasfilm

To ‘Star Wars‘ fans’ dismay, the White House decided to pass on a petition (an actual petition, mind you) to build a real-life Death Star, citing, among other things, the $850,000,000,000,000,000 budget needed to construct such a thing and the government’s strict stance against blowing up planets. And the Galactic Empire couldn’t be happier! In response to the official response, the Galactic Empire spoke out against President Obama in a spoof press release. View the full response after the break.

Communicating through StarWars.com, the Empire, apparently located at the Imperial Center on Coruscant, mocked the White House’s decision to nix the development of a Death Star. “Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility,” reads the statement in part.

Clearly one should never underestimate the ‘Star Wars’ fan base in terms of getting in the last word. Yet the statement failed to justly retort the White House’s point that a Death Star can so easily be blown to bits by a single shot: “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture.”

And here’s the full response from Galactic Empire Public Relations:

IMPERIAL CENTER, CORUSCANT – The overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire has been confirmed once again by the recent announcement by the President of the United States that his nation would not attempt to build a Death Star, despite the bellicose demands of the people of his tiny, aggressive planet. “It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,” said Governor Wilhuff Tarkin of the Outer Rim Territories. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.”

Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.

Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.

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