Here’s a good Bachelorette rule of thumb: Never go on any date with a helicopter ride.
Pop culture’s current fixation on all-around perfect human Amy Schumer has Bachelorette fans clamoring for the comedienne to take the title role, given her occasional association with the ABC series, but would the Trainwreck star ever really sign on? Apparently yes, though Schumer outlined three major conditions The Bachelorette would first need to meet.
There’s a certain point in every season of The Bachelorette, where everyone involved begins to go completely insane. Maybe it’s the lack of access to cell phones and the internet, or being cut off from loved ones or normal day-to-day life. Maybe prolonged exposure to the air in extremely luxurious hotels causes acute brain death. But every year it happens; guys just start to snap. On this season, that breaking point came in episode 6. Multiple dudes lost their minds simultaneously on national television. The whole episode was this GIF of Mr. Spock looking really uncomfortable for two hours.
The Bachelorette isn’t about love. It’s about parliamentary procedure.
Tip to potential Bachelorette candidates: If you have any phobias, hide them from the show’s producers at all costs, unless you want to face them on national television.
I do not understand why anyone goes on The Bachelorette.
In yesterday’s recap, I predicted that the 25 men on this season of The Bachelorette would choose Britt to be the woman they would all simultaneously date in a way that is not at all weird or uncomfortable. My wife, who got me hooked on this show in the first place and has a sixth sense for its plot twists, predicted it would be Kaitlyn, and she was right. My big mistake: Buying in to the narrative presented by The Bachelorette producers that most of the men were there for Britt, and were utterly smitten by her vivacious charm and outgoing demeanor. In doing so, I forgot the cardinal rule of The Bachelorette: Everything we see is a distorted version of reality, coaxed into being by the show specifically to swerve viewers with shocking twists. Trusting anything shown in The Bachelorette is like trusting a magician when he tells you he really sawed a woman in half.
Conveniently, Mad Men ended the night before the eleventh season of The Bachelorette premiered on ABC. That means, by pure process of elimination, that The Bachelorette is now officially the best show on television.
This week, on 'The Bachelorette' finale, Emily's whittled down the field to the bizarre love triangle of dutch race car driver, Arie and Mormon bottled water mogul, Jef. And she ain't gettin' out of Curacao till she dumps one of 'em. So grab some Kleenex and steady your heart, it's time to hand out the final rose, ya'll!
We're down to the final rose, which means this week on 'The Bachelorette,' it's time for the men to spill the tea on what really went down between Emily and her twenty-five suitors across Europe, the Caribbean and back home in Charlotte. So grab some popcorn and plant yourself firmly on the couch, it's about to get real, ya'll!