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‘The Bachelorette’ Review: “Week Eight”

The Bachelorette
ABC

With just four guys left, ‘The Bachelorette’s‘ Emily Maynard is headed back to the States to meet their families and flush out any overbearing moms, judgemental sisters and other potential whackjob in-laws. So brush up on your manners and put on your Sunday best, it’s time to meet the parents, ya’ll!

The first stop is Chicago to meet Chris’ family. After last week’s meltdown, Chris practically begged for a rose and though Em’s down to meet his family, the Magic Eight Ball tells me “outlook not so good.”

Emily finds Chris in the heart of downtown Chicago where he tells her about his Polish family over a beer at a Polish pub. Chris says that on a “scale of one to Polish, I’m Polish.” Wow, a Polish joke in a Polish joke. Impressive.

Chris apologizes for acting like a [insert expletive here] but she tells him his hissy fit showed her he cared. He warns her that while his parents will be easy to win over, his sister might be a tough nut to crack.

At the house, Chris’ dad takes Emily aside and tells her he’s worried she’ll break his son’s heart. Meanwhile, Mom tells Chris he has to fight for Emily. After last week, I think he’s got that covered. Chris’ sister tells Em to cut him off quick if she’s not feeling it. Too late for that.

Outside, Chris tells Emily he loves her and instead of responding, she kisses him for the first time. Moments later, he takes her around back where a traditional Polish band is playing for the family. Emily and Chris join in the fun but it’s clear Em prefers the two-step to the polka.

Next, it’s off to Utah where Emily learns that Jef’s fam is pretty loaded or at least rich enough to own a hundred-acre ranch. The day starts out with a clay pigeon shooting session where Emily impresses Jef-with-one-F with her sharpshooting. Em’s been taking shooting lessons back home and I can’t blame her with all the crazy dudes she’s hooking up with. Jef thinks it’s hot and wants Emily to hold a gun all day long. If these two end up married, I could definitely see that happening.

We learn that Jef-with-one-F’s parents are off in South Carolina doing charity work so instead they spend the afternoon with his siblings and in-laws. Emily wins over Jef’s brother and makes nice with his sisters. As their day on the ranch comes to an end, Jef takes Emily to a secluded spot and reads her a gushy letter he wrote on the place home from Prague that includes the words “perfect,” “connection” and “love.” Needless to say, Emily eats it up like a 6am hangover special at the Waffle House.

Now it’s off to Arizona to meet Arie’s famous Indie Car family. Emily arrives at the track and Arie promptly popsĀ  her in the back of his race car for a twirl around the track. Although it’s not often mentioned on the show, Emily’s late fiancee and Ricki’s father was NASCAR driver, Ricky Hendrick, so she’s no stranger to the racing world. But Indy Car and NASCAR are like apples and oranges, or maybe filet mignon and fried chicken. You get the point. Emily thinks Arie looks “stupid hot” in his racing duds. I see some ‘Days of Thunder’ bedroom roleplay in this couple’s future.

Em’s nervous and excited to meet the folks but Arie’s Euro-centric family puts Emily off when they start yakking in Dutch, right in front of her. Mom takes Em aside to let her know that she’s seen ‘The Bachelor’ and wants to know why she didn’t marry Brad Womack. Wait till she sees this show. Emily tells her she didn’t “ask the right questions.” You know, stuff like “who the hell are you?” “do you have a record?” “were you high when you agreed to do this?” etc.

Mom tells Em that Arie is definitely falling for her and Dad tells Arie he thinks he Emily is a great gal. Dad and Arie kiss on the cheek like Europeans do before saying goodbye and Arie tells us he is “definitely” going to marry Emily. At least he’s got a better shot than Chris…

Finally, it’s time to head to Dallas, Texas to meet Sean’s clan. Emily keeps telling Sean how “perfect” he is. Heck, even his dogs are perfect. Emily says she feels like the things Sean says are really genuine and that he’s not saying them for any other reason, like for instance the fact that he’s on a dating reality show. She’s not worried about him dropping any “huge bombs or having any skeletons in the closet.” For what it’s worth, I hope he has a bomb IN the closet, but whatever.

At the house, Emily vibes with Sean’s southern family and things seem to be going perfectly until Sean decides it’s time to tell Emily he still lives at home. She puts on a happy face but Emily is fuming, thinking of all the men who don’t live with their moms she passed on for this clown. To make things worse, he takes her up to his room to introduce her to his collection of stuffed animals. Emily looks like she’s about to drown herself in the pool when Sean tells her it’s all a joke. I’m disappointed as this show actually got interesting for five minutes but no, Sean is just as “perfect” as advertised.

As they say goodbye, Sean pulls the same move he did back in some random European country I can’t remember right now and chases after Em’s car, screaming her name. Meanwhile, the neighbors are praying the housing market rebounds soon. Emily and Sean make out again in the car before she speeds off.

At the rose, ceremony, Chris Harrison points out the Sean is the only guy who didn’t say he loves Emily which surely guarantees he won’t go home. To nobody’s surprise but his own, Chris doesn’t get a rose. He tells Emily he is completely shocked and asks what went wrong. She says things moved too slow but Chris points out that he said he loves so how much faster could he move? Dude, I think she’s talking about your hands, not your mouth. OK, maybe a little mouth too.

In the limo to the airport, Chris whines about not getting a rose and claims to be ten times the man the other guys are. Hey buddy, where’s your race car, where your ranch? He seems genuinely hurt which makes me feel for the guy, even if he has no idea how to put the moves on a girl. Here’s hoping Chris finds a nice Polish girl in Chi-town to polka with.

As for Em and the boys, it’s time to break out the sunscreen ‘cuz we’re headed to the Caribbean next week, where Emily learns to doggie paddle while making out in the ocean. Who needs a Pina Colada?

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