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‘The Bachelorette’ Review: “Week Five”

'The Bachelorette' Review "Week Five"
ABC

This week on ‘The Bachelorette,’ Emily threatens to “rip off” a certain suitor’s limbs “and beat him with them,” all while taking in the romance and history of London. So pour yourself a spot of tea and prepare for a downpour of drama across the pond, ya’ll!

As she spends some quality time with her daughter, Ricki, Emily informs us that she’ll be meeting up with 10 guys in London. Out of context that sounds pretty sleazy. Heck, even in context…

This week, Em will go on a group date and two one-on-ones. First up is a date with Sean who is “stoked” to have some alone time with the woman of the (two, ugh) hours.

After a tour of London in a private double-decker bus, the couple takes as many pictures of themselves as possible. In a voice that doesn’t sound much older than her 6-year-old daughter’s, Emily announces all the tourist traps they’re hitting along the way. Sean doesn’t recognize Big Ben at first, but he’s not looking for a 150-year-old clock, he’s looking for true love.

Back at the hotel, Kalon says any date with Emily is a group date because of her daughter, though Jef-with-one-F looks appalled. Meanwhile, Emily and Sean happen upon London’s “Speaker’s Corner” in Hyde Park. When invited to get up on the soapbox, Sean delivers a monologue about love that makes Emily swoon. She rewards him by taking him to a prison for dinner. How romantic.

The two head to the Tower of London, where King Henry VIII once lived. (And we know how well his relationships worked out.) Emily makes jokes about beheading Sean if he doesn’t live up to her expectations. Later on, we see just how serious Em is about making heads roll.

At dinner, Emily tells Sean she wants to have lots of kids, which is fine with him though one or two is more his speed. But Emily is thinking in the Octomom range, giving Sean the nervous giggles.

Back at the hotel, Ryan reads aloud the group date invite. “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet” it says and the boys piece together that it has something to do with Shakespeare. (Oh no…) Chris, Arie, Ryan, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John and Kalon are tapped to go on the group date. Kalon is bummed and thinks the whole thing smells more like “sh*t.” Why won’t Emily spend more alone time with him, he wonders. As for us, we’re not wondering.

As their date comes to a close, Emily gives Sean a rose and makes out with him a bit. The next day, everyone heads to Stratford Upon Avon to butcher “Romeo and Juliet” in front of a group of horrified Londoners. Unfortunately, Emily has come down with a cold after swapping saliva with 10 plus guys within two days.

Emily just wants the guys to have fun but a few of them are taking this Shakespeare thing way too seriously. Namely, Kalon, who feels he was born to play Romeo. His scene opposite Emily as Juliette is like a bad summer stock audition and she’s not feeling it. On the other hand, Travis and Ryan have fun with their roles and even uptight Arie loosens up a bit, playing a woman. And as it happens, Emily is much more attracted to Arie in drag.

Afterwards, Emily and the boys head to a pub for some brews and the kind of drama that would make Shakespeare roll over in his grave. Everyone vies for some private time with Em and Arie is especially anxious. He gets Emily alone outside by the water and makes out with her, as a nearby swan ducks its head in disgust. Inside the pub, Ryan tries to woo Emily with a necklace he pulls out of his pocket. Though, we really keeps unpackaged jewelry in pockets?

Meanwhile, Kalon continues to bitch about having to wait to spend time with “an exhausted, sick mother who has a child waiting on her.” Obviously, Kalon feels like he was sold a bill of goods. Who would sign on for a show with that title? Doug would. He gets pissed and decides to tell Emily what Kalon’s really all about because she’ll never find out on her own, since she refuses to spend time with him.

Clearly shaken, Emily tells Doug she wants to handle the matter in a “ladylike” fashion but really all she wants to do is go “West Virginia backwoods hood rat on his a**.” Yes, please! This show would be so much better for it. Let’s see the real Emily shine through.

But no. Instead, Emily confronts Kalon in front of the guys and he makes a feeble, half-hearted attempt to clarify why he referred to her child as “baggage.” Emily isn’t buying it and Kalon doesn’t care enough to try harder so she tells him to “get the f*ck out.” Afterwards, Doug smells blood in the water and tries to go in for the kill but Emily wants to be alone with her thoughts about why she signed up for this circus to begin with.

When she returns to the pub, Emily tells the guys she’s upset that no one called Kalon out sooner. The boys scramble to do damage control. Arie says he admires Em’s intuition in the matter. (Um, if she had that, wouldn’t Kalon have been gone weeks ago?) Emily says she needs time to process and therefore, will not be handing out a rose that night.

Emily tells us she’s beginning to wonder if these guys are who they say they are. Can she really trust them? Who’s got her back? Are any of these clowns really willing to ride or die for Emily? C’mon ya’ll!

The next day, Jef-with-one-F is tasked with cheering Emily up on their one-on-one. They start out their date with high tea and an etiquette lesson. Not exactly what Jef-with-one-F had hoped for. Emily isn’t feeling it either and they decide to dine and ditch. The two head to a bar for beers, and fish and chips. Jef tells Emily he was there when Kalon called her kid baggage and somehow she lets him off the hook for not running to her immediately. Jef than says that if Ricki were baggage, she’d be “a Chloe handbag he’d want to have forever.”

Hold the line. How the hell does Jef-with-one-F know what a Chloe hangbag is? Remember that intuition of Emily’s Arie said was so keen? On top of that, Emily questions if Jef is really attracted to her.

The couple heads to the London Eye for desert where Jef tries to convince Emily he’d embrace living with her and Ricki. In fact, he says when Em comes home from work she’d find Jef and her daughter dancing and singing into hairbrushes. I have no doubt about that.

Emily is dying for Jef to kiss her and he finally works up the nerve. The two engage in a lengthy makeout sesh  as their evening comes to a close. Needless to say, Jef-with-one-F gets a rose.

Time for the Rose Ceremony and a couple of interrogation sessions just short of waterboarding. Emily puts the remaining seven dudes on the spot, asking who has her back and who would lay the smackdown on anyone who talked trash about her and Ricki. Ryan decides to give Emily another surprise: more bad acting with their scene from Romeo and Juliet. She eats it up.

Most of the guys skate by but Arie feels he bombed during his alone with Emily. She proves him right, saving the last rose for him. Doug, Ryan, Chris, John, Travis and Arie get roses in that order. Alejandro is out but that’s not surprising since he and Emily barely exchanged names.

Next week, it’s off to the “romantic and medieval” Croatia where Emily will probably mack with everyone, everywhere insuring her cold won’t go away, anytime soon.

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