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‘The Bachelorette’ Review: “Week Seven”

The Bachelorette
ABC

This week on ‘The Bachelorette,’ Emily Maynard and the boys take their romance rodeo to Prague to play with puppets, “rub dogs” and have even more awkward exchanges in romantic European locales. We’ll explain in just a moment so grab your passport for love, we’re going to the Czech Republic, ya’ll!

Now in Prague, Emily tells us she’s so happy, she feels like she’s back in the “olden days.” Except for all the TV cameras following her every move. She’s excited to meet the boys’ families but first she’ll have to whittle down the pack of six with three one-on-one dates and one group date. Whoever gets a rose this week is taking Emily back to his hometown to meet the fam. Boy, does this show move quickly.

Back the hotel, Jef-with-one-F is dying to spend time with Emily but it’s Arie who gets the first one-on-one date. “Let’s Czech out Prague together” reads the invite. You got that, right?

On her date with Arie, Em wants to pretend like she’s on vacation with her husband, just like she did with Sean in London, Ryan in Croatia, Doug in Bermuda…Arie asks a confused vendor for some “hot wine.” I think he means mulled wine but whatever. Em let’s us know that she has some dirt on Arie and it might have something to do with that large hickey on his Adam’s apple. That and one of ‘The Bachelorette’s’ producers.

Arie and Emily are about to engage in a local custom that involves touching a statue of a dog as a sign of loyalty. Em things it’s weird to rub a dog for loyalty knowing that Arie may have rubbed one of the show’s producers. Just then, host Chris Harrison breaks in to let us know that several years ago, Arie had a “brief relationship” with ‘Bachelorette’ producer, Cassie Lambert. In the interest of full disclosure, Cassie told Emily about it but Arie never said a word. Though she assures Em that she’s only seen Arie twice in the past ten years, Emily thinks he may be keeping more from her.

“Now, I feel like an idiot because this isn’t a production thing, this is like a real life thing,” says Emily. Yes, NOW she feels like an idiot. Emily grills Arie about honesty and he goes on and on about how upfront and open he is. When Arie finally tells Em he has something to tell her, Emily looks relieved, assuming he’s going to come clean about Cassie. Instead, Arie says he has a tattoo of an ex-girlfriend’s name. Talk about needing to get something off your chest. Hey-O!

Chris Harrison lets us know that Arie eventually came clean about Cassie. Turns out it never crossed his mind to let the woman he’s dating on a reality TV show know that he coincidentally dated one of the producers. Also it would just make things weird, because they weren’t already.

Back at the hotel, Chris is getting madder and madder about not getting a date with Em. It gets worse when John is invited on the next one-on-one. Meanwhile, Arie tells Emily he fell in love with her in Croatia which makes her both happy and scared, as she’s certain Arie doesn’t just throw stuff like that around. Cassie might beg to differ.

John gets ready for his date with Emily and she lets us know that she was prepared to send him home last week, until he played the grandparents card, literally. With their date underway, the two deface Prague’s John Lennon wall and then attempt to partake in a romantic local custom of writing their initials on a lock that represents eternal love. John has trouble closing the lock, making Emily question their relationship. Yup, obviously no future there.

Later, Emily takes John to a dungeon for dinner while back at the hotel, Chris turns to the bottle to deal with not seeing Emily. John tells Em that his last girlfriend went to a happy hour that lasted three days. When she came back, she dumped him for a doctor. Ouch. He tells Em he’s falling for her but it’s been a slow process. At least six episodes. When he returns to the suite, John tells the boys his date couldn’t have gone better. Except maybe for the lock thing.

Sean, Chris and Doug get the group date and Chris is starting to freak out in a stalker kind of way. Sean decides to take a play from Arie’s book and goes out into the streets of Prague, looking for Emily after she drops John off. After screaming her name for some time, he finds her randomly hanging out in an alley, looking like she’s waiting for her next “date,” if you catch my meaning.

Emily is psyched to see Sean and they grab a drink together before making out all over the place. The next day, Sean, Doug and Chris take a carriage ride with Em and then hit up some sort of castle. Doug goes on about how his son would love the place as Emily tells us she was on the verge of sending him home last week. The two share some awkward alone time where Doug freaks out about accidentally touching Emily’s leg. When Emily starts ranting about how she’s been waiting for him to make a move, Doug interrupts her with a kiss. As soon as it’s over (possibly the quickest kiss of the season), she continues to go on about how slow he’s been. Emily tells Doug she doesn’t want to keep him from his son any longer and sends him packing.

With Doug gone, Emily gives Chris and Sean keys that may unlock a secret date cave. Of course, Sean has the right one and Chris freaks out some more. Back at the hotel, Jef-with-one-F gets the final one-on-one date card. Chris tells us he’s gonna freak out in a “bad way” if he doesn’t get a rose. Sean gets the rose and Chris throws a tantrum, almost guaranteeing he’ll be rose-less before the show’s over.

Jef and Emily head out on their date and stop by a local shop to play with puppets. Jef picks out two puppets that represent he and Emily though they look nothing like them. Outside he has a second thought and runs back to get one for Ricki. This guy has some moves. They take their new toys to a beautiful library and put on the worse impromptu puppet show Prague has ever seen. While acting out their relationship with the marionettes, the metaphor isn’t lost on us but it’s definitely way over their heads.

Later as they lay on the library floor, we learn two interesting things about Jef. First, he’ll dump a girl if his parents don’t like her and second, Emily won’t be meeting his folks next week because “they’re committed to some stuff for a couple of years.” What, no chance of parole for good behavior?

Meanwhile, Chris begins to regret his meltdown and worries he might got a rose. John, on the other hand, feels he “knocked it out of the park” and is certain he’ll be taking Emily home to his folks.

After Jef and Em spend the afternoon chatting about lighthearted stuff like moving in together, marriage and kids, Emily tells Chris Harrison she don’t need no frickin’ cocktail party, she’s ready to hand out some roses. Chris is terrified he won’t get a chance to apologize for his psychotic episode and interrupts Emily before she’s about to hand out the final rose. He takes her aside and delivers an apology that’s actually kind of convincing. Clearly, it worked on Emily as Chris gets a rose, instead of a restraining order and John is kicked to the curb.

With just Sean, Jef, Chris and Arie left, we’re headed back to the States next week to meet the folks who raised these four princes. Except for Jef, as his parents are on lockdown somewhere in South Carolina. Till then, ya’ll!

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