‘The Bachelorette’ Review: “Week Six”
No, it’s not ‘The Hunger Games,’ it’s ‘The Bachelorette‘ but the arrows are definitely flyin’! The pack of eligible men in heat has been cut down to single digits and if you think making out with eight different guys in one day is a little awkward, it’s even worse in Croatia! Let’s giddy-up to Dubrovnik, ya’ll!
Upon arriving in Croatia, an excited Emily remarked that it’s “like a different world,” or at least a different country. Her daughter Ricki returned to Charlotte under the care of her babysitter so Em could focus solely on the guys. Too bad Kalon wasn’t around to have her full, baggage-free attention.
This week, Emily went on two one-on-one dates and one group date, and planned to use the time to figure out those relationships she still felt clueless about. Meaning, um, all of them?
Emily dropped by the bachelor pad to pick up Travis for their one-on-one. She was just happy to take him to a place that wasn’t Mississippi or West Virginia. Indeed, there wasn’t a Hardees or Waffle House for miles. The two bought some local chotchkies and ice cream, which was all it took to make Travis feel like he’s known Em forever.
The pair came across a balancing stone, which was supposed to bring true love to the one who could stand on it. Catch was, they had to take off an item of clothing. Travis pulled it off but not his shirt, leaving Emily bummed and wondering what was underneath. Man boobs? Prison tats?
Back at the hotel, the boys dished about Travis and his chances with Emily while Ryan delivered another monologue, this time about his “mean man” side, which apparently comes out on the football field. He said he “misses him.” Yes, Ryan actually misses himself.
As was her style, Emily brought Travis to a dark, cavernous locale for dinner. There, she asked him how he managed to screw up his engagement. He placed blame on no one, which charmed Emily. But you know what they say about nice guys…
Meanwhile, the boys took a gander at the group date card. John, Doug, Sean, Chris, Jef and Arie were tapped for an orgy of awkwardness with Emily, meaning Ryan got the one-on-one. While the boys lamented their group date, Ryan talked up his ability to “manipulate the situation to get the girl.” We’re feeling a Lifetime made-for-TV movie coming on and not the warm, fuzzy kind.
As their date came to an end, Travis failed to bust out of the friend zone and was thus sent packing, roseless. He revealed that he felt a different kind of hurt that time, perhaps the kind of hurt one feels when kicked off a totally contrived reality TV dating show. He gulped down his drink before walking off in the rain, forever alone, even chucking his umbrella at one point. Which producer came up with that one? Nice touch.
With the dirty work behind her for now, Emily told us she was excited to hang with six random guys in Croatia for the group date. The boys arrived and there was a lot of plaid. It was time to pay a little lip service to the Disney overlords with a trip to the movies to see Pixar flick ‘Brave.’ No one tried the ole’ yawn-stretch move on Emily, though.
Keeping with the theme, Em told the guys they were going to participate in some Highlands Games of their own and presented the kilts they’d be wearing. Jef-with-one-F’s eyes widened in delight. “I’m in the middle of Croatia, wearing a skirt. Yea!” Exactly what we thought he’d say.
Like the movie, the games were of a Scottish flavor, which confused Doug because they were in Croatia. Add to that, the fact that Emily kept saying “ya’ll” and things got really trippy. The guys competed through three events, which involved archery, log tossing and a stick version of tug of war.
Despite his enthusiasm, Chris bombed at all three, even getting disqualified from the log toss and thus from finding love. Still, Emily was impressed with his gusto and awardd him the “Bravery Cup” at the end of the event. It wasn’t a rose but it would do. The two walked off to swap saliva under a blanket and — wait for it — a double rainbow. Whoa!
At the after party, Arie took Emily aside to let her know what a wuss he was in London. He felt like a whole new man in Croatia, kissing Emily up against a stone wall. Alone at the hotel, Ryan said he was happy to spend time with the best person ever, himself.
After Arie, it was Jef’s turn to make a move. He told Emily he wished he kissed her in every city they’ve been in and that he gives her the feeling people write novels about. ‘Twilight’ novels, we’re guessing.
Next up was Chris, telling Em he could be in love with her forever. That and his epic failure at the Highlands Games earned him a rose. Jef and Arie, on the other hand, looked on dumbfounded.
Ryan primped at the hotel in preparation for his one-on-one, while Chris told us he thought Ryan was a jackass who shaves his legs and plucks his body hair. But the manscapping was not what made Ryan an ass as we soon saw.
Ryan took the wheel on their date, pissing off the locals with his bad driving. The two made their way to an Oystering session where Emily showed that when it comes to seafood, she spits rather than swallows. Afterwards, the couple walked the back alleys of Dubrovnik and attempted to have a conversation with an incoherent old man. Then came dinner, where Ryan told Em he thought every man should consider his wife a trophy — or rather a silent statue. With that, Em revealed that every time she warmed up to Ryan, he messed it up by opening his mouth.
Speaking of messing up, things got worse when Ryan pulled out a shopping list for his potential mate. Among the qualities Ryan was looking for were loyalty, faithfulness, redundancy, beauty and servitude. So basically Ryan wanted a beautiful servant. Emily didn’t feel she fit the bill, and despite the fact that Ryan might just be the best-looking guy she’s ever seen, he was not getting a rose.
Not one to go down without a fight, a “shocked” Ryan told Em she was making a big mistake, over and over again. Despite his best effort, Emily held onto the rose with all her might, though conflicted. When Ryan’s luggage was taken from the dude suite, the guys gleefully celebrated.
In the cab, Ryan continued to go on about Em’s bad decision and just how great a man he was. Suddenly realizing he just said all this on a reality TV show, Ryan begged the ‘The Bachelorette’ editors to be merciful. As we saw, they weren’t.
With the rose ceremony approaching, Emily didn’t want to say goodbye to any of the six remaining guys. But this wasn’t an episode of ‘Sister Wives’ (err ‘Brother Husbands’? You get the idea.) Someone had to go. Or did they?
Arie decided to go rogue and snuck up to Emily’s abode for an impromptu one-on-one. After dealing with Ryan all day, she was thrilled to see someone whose ego could fit through the door. Once again, Arie apologized for not kicking Kalon’s ass and told her he would have done the same thing to Ryan, except he’d already gone. How convenient. Em gives Arie an extra rose, since he wasn’t even supposed to be there. He promised to keep it a secret, like a hidden Immunity Idol. Whoops, wrong show.
At the rose ceremony, Doug and John were “on the bubble,” said Emily, because Doug was too nice and John too emotionally guarded. During their alone time, John put in an Emmy-winning performance by pulling out his grandparents’ funeral cards from his wallet. The tears were flowing and John got a kiss. Grandpa would be proud.
As for “Humble Doug,” Emily urged him to be more confident. Afterwards, Doug talked to us about his son and started sobbing. Even without Emily there, he made things awkward.
Emily can’t handle the pressure of her decision, which as she said gave her actual physical pain, and after giving Sean, Jef, Arie and Chris roses, she ran out to talk to host, Chris Harrison, who told her there were no rules, she could do what she wanted. Cut the rose in half, maybe? Seeing as she already kicked out two guys this week, Emily got an extra rose, meaning Doug and John both got to stay on another week.
This time, Em and the boys are headed to Prague, where we’ll learn that race car driver Arie takes the fast lane with one of ‘The Bachelorette’s’ producers. Can’t wait, ya’ll!