‘True Blood’: The Good, The Bad, and The Worst of “Save Yourself”
Have we really already come to the season finale of ‘True Blood‘? Time flies in the world of Bon Temps, y’all, but this finale is packed with all the blood and goo and glowing fairy birth canals we were missing. In our final installment of the season, we take a look at the good, the bad, and the worst of “Save Yourself.”
“What is she?” “She’s a waitress.” Well played, Eric. Putting Sookie back in her place the way Paul Ryan intended.
Sam has spent the entire season naked, shifting into a fly. Clearly someone on this show loves David Cronenberg’s ‘The Fly,’ but they didn’t get the memo that Sam is no Jeff Goldblum.
IKEA makes some sleek, stylish, and affordable sleep coffins. I bet the Scandinavian Eric didn’t have any leftover pegs when he put those together.
Jason was suspiciously fondling that bear-shaped bottle of honey. Next season: Jason falls in love with a syrupy condiment who turns out to be a goblin.
“Must all roads lead to f—in’ Sookie?” For real, Pam. I hear you.
Girls’ Night! Arlene’s got a fanny pack, Lafayette is serving up some frozen pink dranks, and Jane Boathouse is waaaaaasted.
‘True Blood’ enters the world of Conservative Republican fantasy when Morella’s “light breaks” and she gives birth to four fairy babies, ditching them with Andy and skipping out the door with her perky boobs to go get legitimate elsewhere.
It only took an entire season, but this year’s big money shot might be totally worth the wait: Sam, as a fly, enters the mouth of the hillbilly Sharon Osbourne vampire and turns back into a human, exploding her from inside. ‘True Blood,’ you’ve still got some weird surprises.
We’ve replaced Salome’s holy vial of Lillith blood with this NyQuil and a dash of silver. Let’s see if she notices!
Bill is going to be the vampire king of the world and that vial of moldy blood is his own personal Titanic. Bonus points for ‘Secret World of Alex Mack’ parlor tricks.
Did anyone else get a “Care Bear Stare” vibe off all those fairies blasting Russell with light?
Speaking of which, RIP Russell. He should have had a classier exit. There weren’t even any canapes.
Vampire blood is like angel dust. Pretty sure Alcide’s girlfriend is ready to eat some faces.
Let me just conveniently take out this nice vampire blood, aged 82 years, from my reserve freezer.
Sharon Osbourne vampire’s pissy attitude reminds me I should keep not calling my grandmother.
Sookie’s vampire snowflake speech to Bill is the least convincing thing she’s ever said. Eric is standing right behind you, girl. Don’t be rude.
Must we continue to waste the talents of such fine actors as Dale Dickey and Robert Patrick on these lame werewolf gang storylines? It’s like an episode of ‘Gangland’ but no one gets a rad teardrop tattoo or does any of that cool sign language.
That “fur Pete’s sake” sticker on Emma’s kennel did not get enough play.
Vampire secretary Chelsea has just completed business school, inspiring her to dole out unsolicited branding and marketing advice. Steve Newlin’s hair doesn’t need your guidance, it needs you to answer the damn phone and take a message.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Vampire: Nora flying through the air to ninja-attack her adversaries was the worst special effect on a season that’s already started to make the ‘Mortal Kombat’ movie look groundbreaking in retrospect.
Pam and Tara. No. Just no.