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‘True Blood’: The Good, The Bad, and The Worst of “Gone, Gone, Gone”

HBO

This week’s episode of ‘True Blood‘ is all about evolving, something the people in the backwards hill country of Bon Temps know little about, but hey, at least they’re giving this newfangled idea a whirl. Let’s take a look at the good, the bad, and the absolute worst “Gone, Gone, Gone” had to offer.

The Good

Steve’s excitement over seeing a vampire slayed for the first time was too cute for words. You ever get the feeling if you handed Steve one of those light-up yo-yos he’d be occupied for hours?

Hoyt’s mama has returned and she’s sold off half of her Marie Osmond dolls, which means she’s sassier than usual, particularly when she refers to Jessica as a “Cheeto-headed tramp.” She should be more careful with her wording. Hill people are really into Cheeto dust.

This week we learn that feeding a vampire the moldy blood of a naked vampire God is just like trying to get a pill in your cat’s mouth. The trick, Bill, is to wrap the blood in something Eric likes so he’ll eat it. Have you tried Gushers?

Russell and Steve share a dance to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” and it is everything it sounds like and more.

“Dickhead dipped in afterbirth” is the name of my new punk band. Thanks, Pammy.

It’s been months, but we were finally blessed with the return of Ginger’s scream-face. It’s so diverse, too. It’s like she could be making that face at a finger in her Taco Bell Dorito taco or because she just read the results of a home pregnancy test.

I hate to say it, guys, but Tara is kind of awesome. Even Pam thinks so, especially after Tara kills that Boy George sheriff guy.

The Bad

Sookie sitting in her pajamas which were clearly made from leftover curtain fabric, eating her Chinese takeout — it’s just so sad. Does she not have a cable subscription?

Someone please get Lilith one of those “Our Changing Bodies” videos from junior high. I think she skipped that day.

“Home is where my mama smothers me, my girl left me for my best friend, and a bunch of Barack Obamas almost got me killed.” Hoyt’s life is a country song.

Hoyt wants to forget Jessica and Jason like this is Eternal Sunshine of the Simple Mind. I was surprised Jessica didn’t whisper, “Meet me in Bon Temps…”

Jason loves vaginas, we get it. Do we really need him lifting up the dress of a stuffed bear? This is going too far.

I know Emma isn’t a real puppy, but it’s so mean of Sam and Luna to try and take Steve’s puppy away before he’s even had the chance to buy it some cute sweaters. And this is like a really dirty Disney movie — two people change into mice to save a puppy. And then a Demi Lovato song plays and everyone learns a lesson about sharing.

The Worst

This ham-fisted fundamentalist allegory has got to go. ‘True Blood’ has never been exactly subtle when it comes to real-life parallels (coming out of the closet, ahem), but the whole speech Tina Majorino gives before turning into goo about how the vampire bible is all backwards and they talk about evolving, but this is the opposite of evolving — it’s just way too on the nose. We get it. Extremism is lame! Let’s get naked and turn into animals and be sex friends!

Oh, so we’re back on this fairy blood thing again. And now Bill will have to choose between his new blood-covered naked lady religion (in all fairness, that religion sounds way cooler than Scientology) and Sookie. Bets on where this is going?

Did Russell just grow a German accent? Is Russell Hitler now? Who is Anne Frank, then?

Ah yes, Sookie was involved in an old-fashioned marriage barter and her father sold her off to an old creeper named Warlow. It all makes sense now. If she just says “BEETLEJUICE” three times she can still totally get out of this.

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