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‘True Blood’: The Good, The Bad, and The Worst of ‘Hopeless’

True Blood
HBO

True Blood‘ is the only show on television that can have too much going on and nothing going on all at once. Out of the eight shows within the show, none of them seem to be advancing the plot, and by advancing the plot we mean giving us more Russell Edgington. For your consideration — The good, the bad, and the worst of this week’s episode, “Hopeless.”

The Good

  • Russell Edgington, that sassy, magnificent bastard, has ditched the Voldemort look and embraced vampire living once again. Good news for us and white suits everywhere.
  • Tara went to the Sharon Stone Academy for Scenery Chewing. I’m sort of into all this hissing.
  • Lafayette’s mom knows what’s up with Jesus, though I don’t think anyone else understands — myself, Lafayette, and maybe even the people who write this stuff included. But she’s a big malt liquor paper bag full of crazy pants fun, so good on her for being herself.
  • Men are dogs with big balls of pain, according to the witty insights of Arlene and Holly. Please remember to neuter your significant others.
  • Roman’s “BRB, golfing, now where is my cigar and internet porn” look is a breath of fresh air in that poor attempt at a ‘Mad Men’ lounge these fools cooked up. Royal blue? Are we entertaining Oprah?
  • The gun shop guy — aka my future husband — is back with his wacky conspiracy theories. I want to help him get his GED and teach him about flossing while he tells me all about his mom and what a special lady she is.
  • Turns out Sookie and Jason’s parents were killed by a vampire, just like Hadley said. He was attracted to a band-aid with Sookie’s blood on it in the backseat of her parents’ car. And then he made a doll out of it and kissed it goodnight every morning and I’m pretty sure his name is Bill Compton.
  • “It makes my d— hard!” “Peace is for p—ies!” Russell drops some truth bombs ¬†and stabs Roman in the heart, making his face go all stretchy like Jim Carrey in ‘The Mask.’ Hey, remember that movie? Cute dog, right?

The Bad

  • Luna and Sam are totally okay, which means we can continue to hate them every week. I bet 12 wooden bullets and a Debbie Pelt that the fools who shot them work for Dale Dickey. Wouldn’t you work for Dale Dickey? She has an alliterative name and looks like your mom’s friend that gave you sips of wine coolers on the sly.
  • Vampire glamours are like really ineffective rufies. Sookie tells Alcide they didn’t have sex, but they did “other stuff.” Translation: She vommed on your footsies because she was that happy to see your penis.
  • Hoyt is cos-playing as a gay Flinstone character. His rage face while covered in vampire goo was absolutely Nicolas Cage-esque, though. Keep that up, boo.
  • Sam has the most heightened sense of smell on the PLANET. Can he smell the regret I have over eating that cupcake in the shower last weekend?
  • Bad news guys, Sam shot my gun shop boyfriend with a crossbow. Now he’ll never be able to wipe the Cheeto dust from my cheek while whispering sweet gun cleaning tips in my ear.
  • RIP Roman, your golf shirts were too good for this world.

The Worst

  • The giant smoke monster, which is officially a smoke monster because Terry says “I’m being hunted by an evil smoke monster that wants to kill me and everyone I love.” Terry explains the plot of ‘Lost’ in one sentence.
  • Meanwhile, at the ‘Moulin Rouge’ gay fairy dance club and wine bar…

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