‘True Blood’ – The Good, the Bad and the Worst of “Whatever I Am, You Made Me”
It’s time to catalog the good, the bad and the very worst ‘True Blood‘ had to offer last night. In this week’s episode, “Whatever I Am, You Made Me,” we get shirtless vampires, suited vampires and stupid Tara vampires.
Chris Meloni and his suit (those two go everywhere together) have decided to let Eric and Bill go after Russell Edgington, and Bill goes all 50 Cent with “We’ll bring him in… or die tryin’.” It’s good to see Bill has been studying up on his modern rap history and has made it as far as 2007.
Meloni and his suit request the presence of the “new Nan Flanagan,” and it’s totally Steve Newlin. ‘True Blood,’ you so crazy, I think I wanna have yo’ babies. Or rather, Newlin wants to have Jason Stackhouse’s babies.
Pam can send texts faster than a Japanese school girl and spoke like she’d send up a red flag to Chris Hansen: “What are you looking at? Get back to dry humpin’ each other!”
Tina Majorino drops in as some kind of vampire weapons expert or something, but the point is that Tina Majorino gets to be in something! You might know her as the little girl from ‘Waterworld’ when Kevin Costner was all, “Dry land is not a myth!” and she was like, “Spoiler alert: I know because the map is on my back.” She was also on ‘Big Love.’ No snarky comments about ‘Big Love,’ though. It was just a really good show and you should watch it sometime.
I give Sam a pass this week because he stuck Tara in a walk-in freezer. Baby steps.
‘[Pam and Eric] Awesome Show, Great Job’ continues with a Bill and Lorena crossover at the old time-y prostitute waterin’ hole. Is it too late to dedicate an entire season to the Pam origin story? It really is so good that I can’t even make a joke about it.
Hoyt shows up at Fangtasia (the bar name so nice you don’t think about it for two years at a time) in eyeliner and a sleeveless mesh shirt, as if Bon Temps got its first Hot Topic and he got a little too excited.
Hillbilly vampire version of Sharon Osbourne.
Andy’s butt is on Facebook. Let’s try to friend that.
Remember how Sookie is a fairy? Now you do because she pulled out her Street Fighter hadouken move, like anyone cares.
Jason had sex with his teacher in high school, who turns out to be Anna Draper from ‘Mad Men.’ She’s got half a box of wine in the cooler, if you’re looking to get your rage on, menopause-style. She also has a pet cat, and knowing this show, it’s probably her husband.
There’s another kind of supernatural being in town and Jessica likes his pretty smells. Any guesses on what this guy is? If it’s another fairy, I quit. Leprechaun or bust, man.
Tara is a vampire now, which means her eyes are like telescopes and she’s bloodthirsty. So far being a vampire isn’t much different than taking too much LSD and wandering off into the woods like that drama queen in college who just “wanted, to like, feel stuff, man.” She tells everyone to stay away from her, but you know these fools won’t listen. Even Tara hates Tara. End her.
Obligatory Terry and Arlene mention.
Werewolves talk about feelings.
Bill has a new girlfriend, so he talks about feelings too. Pants feelings. It’s just not very sexy. They had an entire conversation I don’t remember because I went cross-eyed while looking at them talk for too long.
Tara decides to kill herself in a tanning bed as some sort of social commentary on how white women try to make their skin as dark as hers via fake tanning… or something. Don’t worry, Pam is going to let us all down and save her.