Your Weekly Dose of Ridiculous
Juicing toddlers with sugar, paying for a dead woman’s underwear, remaking a film before it’s even hit theaters? That’s just the tip of the iceberg (our hearts will go on). Last week just got ridiculous, and not in the good way.
Look, what you do with your personal life is all well and good and harmless, but paying $45,000 for a pair of bloomers worn by Marilyn Monroe is just a bit much, don’t we think? If you want to purchase underwear, there’s this great place called the “internet” where you can buy these things — used, even, I guess — and still stay anonymous without spending all that clearly disposable income that would be better suited to — I don’t know — feeding orphan children or cloning Ryan Gosling. And let’s not even discuss what someone could possibly want with a dead woman’s pantaloons. It’s not enough that we can buy someone else’s memories at auction, but now we can buy their delicates — the clothes are the body’s memories, people.
On this week’s season five premiere of ‘Toddlers & Tiaras‘ a mother had her daughter down sugar packets to give her a boost of energy. It’s like steroids, but for pageant tots, and instead of giant muscles, they make the girls give us giant headaches. We’ve seen the moms give their kids Pixie Stix and “Go-Go Juice,” but this mom skipped the middle man and went straight to the source. For those not hip to ’T&T’ lingo (that’s insider speak for ‘Toddlers & Tiaras’), “Go-Go Juice” is a blend of caffeine and sugar akin to Four Loko, sans the booze. It’s excellent real word (or ‘Real World’? True story!) prep from these doting, sensitive mothers. It must be exhausting projecting your insecurities onto your small child day in and day out. Tell me again, did you always want a miniature embodiment of your psychosis, or was this just a happy accident?
Having only premiered at a handful of festivals and released in its native France, Alexandre Bustillo and Julien Maury’s ‘Livid‘ is already getting an English language remake. On the one hand, French distributor SND Films should be applauded for staying ahead of the curve in this remake-saturated culture. Though it’s noted that this is an English language remake and not an American one — lest you jump the gun and assume this is pandering to lazy American culture. We can’t read! We’re too busy watching ‘Toddlers & Tiaras!’ Pass the Go-Go Juice ’cause we’re about to get buck wild.
Remember when Kevin Smith said he was retiring after ‘Hit Somebody’? And then he said he was splitting his last film into two halves, further prolonging this supposed retirement. The opinionated filmmaker has found a way to make ‘Clerks III’ a reality (at least he hopes) by bringing it to Broadway. It’s still in the incubation stage, but Smith hopes to recruit actors Jeff Anderson, Brian O’Halloran, and Trevor Fehrman to revive their roles as Randal, Dante, and Elias, respectively. This comes with recent news of a possible revival of the ‘Clerks’ animated series… So you see, Kevin Smith said he was retiring from directing movies, which means he can still direct stage plays, animated series, and reenactments of his own miraculous birth, using a Troll doll and a pile of old socks. It’s good to dream, isn’t it?
Lee Aronsohn, co-creator of a show that treats women like shrewd objects of impediment who only exist to get in the way of — or underneath — the show’s titular men (but not the half man), says of female-centric TV, “Enough, ladies. I get it. You have periods,” and clarifies with, “We’re approaching peak vagina on television, the point of labia saturation.” Hey ladies, we don’t need to make TV anymore because all we do is joke about our stupid vagina problems! The men get it now, so we can pack up our tampons and our Midol and head back to the kitchens and the baby farms because we’ve made our point and the men have finally heard us.