Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: James Cameron’s ‘Jurassic Park,’ the ‘Entourage’ Movie, 3D ‘Pacific Rim,’ and ‘The Brave Little Toaster’
What if James Cameron made ‘Jurassic Park’? What if ‘The Brave Little Toaster’ were getting a live-action update? What if there was an ‘Entourage’ movie? And what if Guillermo del Toro‘s ‘Pacific Rim‘ were in 3D? The answers to these nutty questions in this week’s Dose of Ridiculous!
Not so long ago it seems James Cameron was on the verge of getting the rights to adapt Michael Crichton’s ‘Jurassic Park.’ Steven Spielberg outbid him and we got one of the coolest movies ever, but what if James Cameron had won the rights? What kind of film would ‘Jurassic Park’ have been? In an interview with the Huffington Post, Cameron says his version would have been “nastier,” and compares it to a cross between ‘Aliens’ and dinosaurs. So basically like ‘Avatar,’ but with a lot of blood. Maybe the dinosaurs would have been aliens! Yeah! And two of them fall in love and at the end they have to share one goat, and there’s enough goat to keep them both alive, but one dinosaur decides to sacrifice himself so his lady dino can have the whole goat, and then Sigourney Weaver shows up in the Jeff Goldblum role and blasts them all to hell. Celine Dion sings about evolution but it’s a metaphor for love, we all cry and throw up, and James Cameron cashes a big check.
That, my friends, is most definitely the darkest timeline.
Nostalgia-poaching is a nasty business, and since studios think it’s easier to mine old, beloved properties rather than pay people to make up new memories, we get things like a ‘Brave Little Toaster’ remake, courtesy of the folks at Waterman Entertainment, who brought us the updated versions of ‘Alvin and the Chipmunks’ and ‘Stuart Little.’ Like those movies, they’ll be giving our toaster pal a live action/CGI hybrid makeover, and since this is 2012 and you guys need to get with it, they’ll include technology that wasn’t available in the 80s, like iPhones and iPads and other flat, shiny, iProducts. And maybe our brave friend will be one of those awesome toasters with like, a bagel slot and a digital timer and a built-in LCD screen. Other friends he could have: A Jimmy Buffet Margaritaville machine, a CHI hair straightener, a Sleep Number bed, one of those electric cat litter boxes, and a Roomba. We’re just thinking about synergy and corporate branding here. Add one dose of Brendan Fraser or other similarly bland actor that time forgot and you’ve got a movie!
To every person who contributed to ‘Entourage”s continued success at HBO over eight seasons: You did this to us. You did this to us and now we all suffer for your poor decision-making skills. You could have been watching ‘Deadwood’ or something, but no, these four douche bags hanging out in LA and having sex and partying it up and crying into their money pillows on their money beds apparently meant enough to you and now there’s probably going to be a movie. Are you happy now?
Creator Doug Ellin is thisclose to finishing a script for the proposed film, and while HBO hasn’t even begun negotiations, we’re assuming this is pretty much a done deal and they’re already envisioning the promotional condoms. And just in case you had any doubts about the script, Ellin wants you to know that “foremost is the friendship between the guys who are still hanging out and going to fun parties, and it continues with the same characters.” Fun parties! Hanging out! This guy is breaking (boob-shaped Jell-O) molds, pushing boundaries, and reinventing the story of white male privilege as we know it!
We hardly have words to describe our feelings about this. In interviews over the last year, Guillermo del Toro has adamantly come out against 3D, specifically for his monsters vs. robots epic ‘Pacific Rim,’ which he felt was large enough in scale and awesome enough without a gimmick. And really, it’s monsters vs. robots — do you even need a gimmick? Charlie Hunnam of ‘Undeclared’ and ‘Sons of Anarchy’ and Charlie Day of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia’ and Idris Elba of “It’s f—ing Idris Elba” all star in this movie with giant monsters and robots from the guy that brought us ‘Hellboy’ and ‘Blade II’ and ‘Pan’s Labyrinth,’ and Warner Bros. thinks we need to be convinced to go see it?
The moral of the story this week is that James Cameron and bros are everything wrong with America. In 3D. Can we get Clint Eastwood to yell at a chair with an invisible Warner Bros. logo in it?