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Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: ‘Battle Royale,’ ‘Hobbit’ Trilogy, Scorsese and Siri, and Raggedy Ann

Battle Royale
Toei Company

While you were getting pumped about the Olympics (yeah, no one does this), we were reporting on the week’s most ridiculous news. From a ‘Battle Royale’ TV series on — wait for it — the CW to Martin Scorsese trying to convince us he uses Siri, we’ve got a breakdown of the worst and most absurd news from this week, in case you weren’t paying attention.

CW Wants to Make a ‘Battle Royale’ TV Series

‘Battle Royale,’ the 2000 Japanese film from Kinji Fukusaku, might be headed to the small screen… on the CW. Where it will inevitably feature a soundtrack that only people who own khakis can hear. Reportedly the rights are tied up with the creator and CW is trying, like, really hard to get them so they can tell the very of-the-moment story of teenagers stuck on an island and forced to kill each other until only one remains. There will be love triangles. There will be backstabbing. There will be a pregnancy scare while wearing shoes that cost more than my monthly rent times four. Someone will probably cry and reveal something like, “My dad never cared about me! You’re all I have!” But at least we know all these insufferable people will die… unless they alter the story and the teenagers are like human Tamagotchis. Remember those? Simpler times.

'The Hobbit' Trilogy
Warner Bros.

Oh Good, ‘The Hobbit’ Will Be a Trilogy

Because Peter Jackson is apparently afraid of even numbers and someone has to make sure Andy Serkis is fed, ‘The Hobbit’ is probably, most likely, pretty much definitely going to be a trilogy because they have some extra footage and found some notes from J.R.R. Tolkien that expanded the story. The first film, ‘The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,’ hits theaters this December, with the sequel following in December 2013. And you know each of these movies are three hours long, and I don’t know about you guys, but I read ‘The Hobbit,’ and that book is pretty short. In fact, I chose to read ‘The Hobbit’ instead of ‘Lord of the Rings’ because that thing seemed like a pretty generous compromise in seventh grade (spoiler: I liked it), but is there six hours of material there? How many times will Bilbo stand atop a hill or a mountain and stare off into the distance for three minutes to kill time?

And if there’s a third movie, that’s another three hours. I don’t even think it takes nine hours to read the book. Yo, Peter Jackson, not everything needs to be a trilogy, and maybe Tolkien’s notes that “expanded the world” didn’t make it into that book for a reason. Ya greedy.

http://youtu.be/Z714Fnylf5s

Martin Scorsese is Old, Needs Siri

Siri, please explain why Martin Scorsese is in an iPhone ad when he has movies he could be making. The latest iPhone commercial features Marty in the back of a taxi (get it?! Because ‘Taxi Driver’) asking Siri what his schedule is. It includes meeting with “Tommy” (please be a robot, please be a robot), wardrobe, looking at edits, and lunch with Mark, who I assume is Mark Wahlberg, and I also hope he is a robot. Scorsese thinks he sees his friend Rick on the street and asks, “Is that Rick? Where’s Rick?!” and then the omnipotent Siri locates Rick on a map for the director and he’s relieved to know he’s narrowly avoided senility for another day. I admit, it’s a pretty funny ad, but I’m sorry — don’t you have some ‘Boardwalk Empire’ meetings to attend or another movie with Leonardo DiCaprio you could be figuring out for me? Stop playing with your phone and get back to work, slacker.

Knickerbocker Toy Co.

Raggedy Ann and Andy to Climb Out of Your Mom’s Attic and Make a Movie

Puppeteer Kevin Clash (the guy behind Elmo, the subject of the doc ‘Being Elmo: A Puppeteer’s Journey,’ and total saint) is taking his hand out of Elmo’s butt to make a Raggedy Ann and Andy movie. While we have the utmost respect for Clash and what he does, and that ‘Being Elmo’ doc made my heart come out of my eyes in the form of a waterfall, what’s up with this Raggedy Ann business? Raggedy Ann doesn’t even have a personality. She’s just sort of there with her boy Andy, hanging out and being all made of cloth and yarn hair and vaguely clownish. What does she even do? I sort of recall books and cartoons, but I can’t tell you what she did in them besides hold hands with Andy, and I bet that fool still hasn’t gotten to second base. Meanwhile, my Ken and Barbie dolls were gettin’ freakyyyyy. Anyway, this movie could be mad cute, I guess.

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