Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: ‘Gangster Squad’ Reshoots, Guy Fieri’s ‘Road House,’ and ‘ALF’
We here at the Weekly Dose of Ridiculous want you to know that we value your integrity as a pop culture enthusiast. That’s why we’ve gathered the most ridiculous stories of the week in one convenient place for your reading pleasure. Get comfortable because it’s getting absurd around here with ‘Gangster Squad‘ reshoots, a ‘Road House’ remake starring Guy Fieri, and ‘ALF‘ is back… in movie form.
Obviously this isn’t serious, but it’s plenty ridiculous nonetheless. A seller on Craigslist is trying to hock a script for a ‘Road House’ remake starring television personality and professional bro Guy Fieri. ‘Road House,’ if you’ll recall, was an awesome film starring Patrick Swayze as a bouncer brought in to clean up a dirty bar.
In this version, Guy Fieri takes the place of Swayze, and the results are hilarious, taking place at a bar called Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship (we want to go to there) where Van Halen plays on stage and Fieri’s character is named “Guy Cooler.” This doesn’t happen often in the Weekly Dose of Ridiculous, but we think this is ridiculous in the best way. Bold flavors!
A taste of the “script”:
Night. A bar in the Flint area. (It also serves some of the best eats in the USA. Cheetos on anything for $1. Sammies are all piled high. The works, really. Full spread.) A kickass neon sign says, “Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship.” Van Halen is on stage rockin’ so hard. There’s chest beefers from coast to coast. It’s pretty much the biggest celebraish anyone’s ever seen. Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) is hangin’ out behind the bar, peepin’ all the babes and makin’ sure everyone’s safe. The owner, Captain Karl, is doin’ a new dance that’s sweepin’ the nation called “The Peener” with 4-6 consensual babes, ripe with all the toppings. Drippin’ with sweat (the wet look) Karl decides to play the hot corner for a cold one, and calls Cooler over for a guy to Guy.
CAPTAIN KARL: Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it’s a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).
GUY COOLER: Yeah, it’s so money. Thanks for lettin’ me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.
CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.
GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the “Cheetos on anything for an extra $1″ idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.
GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)
We’re not trying to be insensitive here, but how many people are murdered every year, and yet there are still murders in film? There are a lot of terrible things in the world, but that doesn’t mean we should censor or edit the creative visions of filmmakers. Film can be a cathartic experience when it comes to life’s tragedies. In Warner Bros.’ ‘Gangster Squad,’ there’s a scene where a group of gangsters burst through the movie screen at Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and start shooting the place up. It’s merely a coincidence in wake of the horrific events that took place mere weeks ago in Aurora, Colorado when a psychopath killed 12 people and injured 58 more during a midnight screening of ‘The Dark Knight Rises.’ But now the studio thinks reshooting the scene and changing the location is the appropriate, sensitive thing to do.
We don’t want to be a total downer this week, but this is just ridiculous. ‘Gangster Squad’ is a work of fiction, and no filmmaker should have to compromise their vision because the studio is worried that people will draw parallels to the Colorado incident and get all upset about it. How is censoring this film going to help the victims and the people who lost loved ones? It’s not. This is a move predicated on catering to the sensitivity of the general public, not the victims or those truly affected by the tragedy.
Nostalgia is a funny thing. There’s the instance where you love something as a kid only to realize it’s kind of stupid as an adult, but you still look upon it with fondness because it was a part of your childhood. Then there are things that were acceptable and enjoyable as a product of their time, but we look back on them with disdain because we have evolved and we’re like, “Ugh, how did we even live?”
‘ALF’ is the latter of those things. Regardless of your age when ‘ALF’ was on the air, it is very much a product of its time — the hit or mostly miss 80s. The story of an alien (a puppet) who lands on Earth and lives with a suburban family. Oh, and he likes to eat cats. Horrific. And now the guy that produced the mixed live-action/CGI ‘Smurfs’ films is going to make ‘ALF’ into a movie. Why? Because the general public is really into ironic fandom of nostalgic garbage. You did this. All of you.