Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: ‘Jurassic Park,’ Timberlake, Carolla, and Kardashian Sex Tape Revisited
In this week’s Dose of Ridiculous, ‘Jurassic Park 4′ is moving ahead, Justin Timberlake might be the next David Hasselhoff (yeah, we know), Adam Carolla pretends he’s still relevant, and Kim Kardashian is full of it.
Why won’t they just let this die already? Universal has hired two new writers to pen the script for ‘Jurassic Park 4.’ Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver — who wrote last summer’s ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ — have been tapped to write a new installment in the ‘Jurassic Park’ franchise, which will be produced (note: not directed) by Steven Spielberg.
Do we really need another ‘Jurassic Park’ movie? The sequels were okay, but nothing quite has the oomph of the first film. We know Universal needs a big summer hit, especially after last year’s ‘Cowboys and Aliens,’ and Hollywood just can’t avoid milking a successful property for all it’s worth, but this is just desperate. If you guys want more ‘Jurassic Park,’ buy the Blu-ray and go nuts.
Some free advice, JT? Don’t do it. Paramount producers, including director Ivan Reitman, are gunning for Timberlake to star in their planned ‘Baywatch’ movie. The role? Basically this generation’s David Hasselhoff. Our generation doesn’t need a David Hasselhoff. In fact, that generation didn’t need a Hasselhoff, so just drop it.
Unless the studio is pulling a ‘21 Jump Street,’ we just can’t get behind this, and Timberlake shouldn’t either. He’s acting in Joel and Ethan Coen’s next film, and how do you explain to the Coens that you’re going to follow up their prestigious, most likely Oscar-worthy film with… tiny red shorts? You cannot tell us that Justin Timberlake would be the next David Hasselhoff before he’d make another album. Can’t he just make another album?
In what was most surely a desperate PR move meant to get people talking about someone they hadn’t thought of in, like, five years, Adam Carolla went out to promote his new book (something about Taco Bell — who cares) and said that women aren’t funny. He also said that the only reason they work in writer’s rooms on TV is that there’s some quota to fill to protect studios from lawsuits, and they basically don’t deserve to be there. Hey, Adam? You aren’t funny. You’ve never really been funny. You starred on a show where women jumped around on trampolines in tiny outfits, and that was the apex of your career. You peaked, man. We think you may have some issues with women because those trampoline jumping ladies are probably more relevant than you are now.
We realize we’re just giving you the attention you so desperately crave, but rest assured, after this week, no one will talk about you for another five years, so who’s the real winner here?
Kim Kardashian spoke to Oprah this week, and because we all know that Oprah is the court of celebrity law, which means everyone has to be super honest in her presence, we should believe everything Kardashian said. That’s super hilarious when you consider what Kardashian had to say about the sex tape that made her famous. She said she felt really bad about embarrassing her family and she totally regrets the whole thing, though she acknowledges that without it, she wouldn’t be famous. Congrats, Kim K., you are the most ridiculous person this week if you think that anyone believes for a hot second that you didn’t know that sex tape was getting released, and even if you didn’t — you waited four years to sue over it. That’s a whole presidential term. You know what kind of decisions are made in a presidential term? Ones way bigger than whether or not to sue someone for selling a visual record of your sex life.