Sam Taylor-Johnson

Christian Grey is an unusual guy. He’s the world’s most eligible billionaire bachelor and an enormously powerful businessman. He’s an avid jogger, an exceptional piano player, and a licensed helicopter pilot. He also really like the color gray. He wears gray suits and ties, drives a gray car to his gray office building (which is called Grey House) under gray Seattle skies, where his assistant dresses in—you guessed it—gray. (For the record, his office chairs are white but the couches are gray too.) And, oh yeah, he’s into kinky sex, including bondage, spanking, and domination.

In disappointing but totally expected news, the upcoming film adaptation of ‘50 Shades of Grey’ will not include the notorious (disturbing, hilarious, and absolutely batsh— insane) tampon scene from E.L. James’ wildly popular erotica novel. For those of you hoping to see the most absurd moment from the book translated to the big screen, director Sam Taylor-Johnson has put her foot down.

We won’t know exactly how graphic ‘50 Shades of Grey’ is going to be until we see the film with our own cursed eyeballs, but we now officially know that the film has been given an R-rating by the pearl-clutching members of the MPAA. What does that R-rating stand for? Graphic nudity, “strong sexual content,” and “unusual behavior.” Wait, what the hell is unusual behavior?!

A while ago, we had a hard time believing that a '50 Shades of Grey' movie could actually get made. Then the film adaptation of the extremely popular, semi-pornographic book series got a director, and now it has a release date.