In disappointing but totally expected news, the upcoming film adaptation of ‘50 Shades of Grey’ will not include the notorious (disturbing, hilarious, and absolutely batsh— insane) tampon scene from E.L. James’ wildly popular erotica novel. For those of you hoping to see the most absurd moment from the book translated to the big screen, director Sam Taylor-Johnson has put her foot down.

In an interview with Variety, Taylor-Johnson confirms that the tampon scene from James’ novel definitely did not make it into the film version. It was something that no one even considered or acknowledged:

It didn’t make it into the movie. It was never even discussed.

It was probably “never even discussed” because no one working on this film wanted to talk about the giant elephant (made of cotton, with advanced moisture-leak technology) in the room. Producer Michael De Luca went on to very tactfully explain that the book is way more literal (oh, diss), but that the movie “didn’t need to do that” because she’s working in a “completely different medium.” And by that, I assume she means that because film is a visual medium, there is just no way anyone in their right minds would make people sit through that tampon scene.

But don’t worry because Taylor-Johnson says that the film is split 50/50 between sex scenes and non-sex scenes, tampon or no tampon. For those of you who have remained blissfully untainted by the totally underwhelming erotic soap opera trash that is ‘50 Shades of Grey,’ I will explain the notorious tampon scene to you now. This is your chance to walk away with your dignity.

Still here? OK. There is a scene in the book in which Ana Steele (played in the film by Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) are in the bathroom, and Christian wants to have sex with Ana, but she tells him that she can’t because there’s a tampon currently occupying her sexual real estate (her vagina). So Christian decides to take some initiative, bending Ana over the bathroom counter and yanking her tampon out, a scene which E.L. James describes with all the sexual appeal of your annual well-woman exam.

And scene. There was no way this was making it into the film, and it definitely sounds like Taylor-Johnson has some higher aspirations for the movie—her job was probably like trying to turn motor oil into chocolate pudding.

‘50 Shades of Grey’ hits theaters (minus the tampon) on February 13.

More From ScreenCrush