If you're a studio executive with cash to spare, someone is selling a 'Road House' remake script on Craigslist. But that's not all -- the writer would like TV personality Guy "I wear sunglasses on the back of my head because I have never known real love" Fieri to star in this thing, and has even offered a sample of the opening scene, which is about as douchey as you can imagine.

Of course this guy can't be serious, right? ...Right?! It's still pretty hilarious to think someone out there wants to replace Patrick Swayze in his most awesome role with Guy friggin' Fieri. The ad explains:

Attention all Hollywood head honchos. If you're lookin' for the next big summer smash ($$$) I think I got a real premium script in the works. Name's Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment and possible future big business owner. Below, you'll feast your eyes on a taste of the gold, if you catch my drift. It's the first scene of ROADHOUSE: PAIN STILL DON'T HURT, starring Guy Fieri. It's pretty much the film America's been cravin' for. I'd also be willing to co-star in the film to keep costs low, (more $$$ for ya) and plus, when I put my mind to it, man, I get in some primo shape. But to be honest, the babes don't really ever have any complaints about my bod. I haven't rapped at Guy Fieri about the project yet, but pretty sure he's down. Let's set up a private convo, possibly in my neck of the woods, or you could fly me to Hollywood (first class). Maybe we could set up a little celebraish for the big contract signing? Who knows? Don't delay. Let's roll, you guys.

Seems this Karl Welzein fellow, (if this ad is legit) president and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment, is a comedian of sorts, as evidenced by his massive following on Twitter.

A taste of the script:


Night. A bar in the Flint area. (It also serves some of the best eats in the USA. Cheetos on anything for $1. Sammies are all piled high. The works, really. Full spread.) A kickass neon sign says, "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship." Van Halen is on stage rockin' so hard. There's chest beefers from coast to coast. It's pretty much the biggest celebraish anyone's ever seen. Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) is hangin' out behind the bar, peepin' all the babes and makin' sure everyone's safe. The owner, Captain Karl, is doin' a new dance that's sweepin' the nation called "The Peener" with 4-6 consensual babes, ripe with all the toppings. Drippin' with sweat (the wet look) Karl decides to play the hot corner for a cold one, and calls Cooler over for a guy to Guy.

CAPTAIN KARL: Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl's Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it's a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).

GUY COOLER: Yeah, it's so money. Thanks for lettin' me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.

CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.

GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the "Cheetos on anything for an extra $1" idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.

GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)

I dunno. I think we'd totally pay to see this movie get made. If people pay to see garbage like 'The Room' and 'Birdemic,' surely there's a place in our society for a 'Road House' remake starring Guy Fieri, the food world's version of Kenny Powers.

More From ScreenCrush