Every time there’s a new movie starring Juno Temple, I conduct what I like to call “The Juno Temple Hair Test.” It’s a totally scientific and thoroughly objective test designed to help moviegoers answer one simple question: What is the deal with this movie?

By analyzing the volume, style, texture and color of the hairs on the head of everyone’s second favorite British actress with a proclivity for totally bonkers roles (Eva Green remains the reigning champ, at least for now), you can quickly and easily determine what sort of movie you’re about to watch. (Disclaimer: Patent pending. These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.) 

You know Juno Temple, even if you don’t always know her by name: She’s the oft-wild-haired and undervalued actress whose resumé includes films like Killer Joe, Atonement, Magic Magic, and Notes on a Scandal, and a fantastic leading role in the short-lived HBO series Vinyl (aka Bobby Cannavale Snorts Cocaine Like He’s Never Seen a Scorsese Film Before). She’s also in Woody Allen’s new drama Wonder Wheel, starring opposite Kate Winslet and Justin Timberlake.

Not long ago, when the first trailer for the film was released, I casually mentioned the Juno Temple Hair Test to our editor-in-chief, Matt Singer. He was confused by the way I referred to it as if it were the most normal and widely-accepted scientific instrument in the world (it is, though). So I explained: In the Wonder Wheel trailer, Temple’s hair is half naturally curly and half straightened with a fairly uninteresting color, which indicates that her character is in the middle of a conflict. It also suggests that the film itself is contradictory in tone, and that it may be beautiful but also boring (to be fair, the latter is also suggested by the trailer). I haven’t seen the film yet, but I have spoken to a few friends and colleagues who have, and they all confirm the accuracy of my analysis.

The Juno Temple Hair Test does not necessarily determine a film’s quality, but it can help you figure out its tone; If her hair is wild and natural, for instance, then she’s probably playing an interesting character in a dark or kind of crazy atmosphere; if it’s straightened or more polished, her role is more subdued and the film is likely less interesting. To demonstrate the efficacy of The Juno Temple Hair Test, I have selected 20 Juno Temple roles for analysis. The results may astound you.

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