'50 Shades of Grey' Only Has 20 Minutes of Sex

If you were wondering just how much sex would be featured in ‘50 Shades of Grey,’ wonder no more: only 20 minutes of the film’s 100-minute runtime is comprised of sex. That might be a deal-breaker for some of you, who were hoping for a non-stop, tone-deaf fiesta of sex—you know, kind of like that horrible novel on which the film is based. What are you going to do with that other 80 minutes?

A new report from The Sunday Times reveals that ‘50 Shades of Grey’ is only 20% sex. That’s 20 out of 100 minutes. That leaves you with 80 minutes to keep your self/mom/aunt/morbidly curious friend occupied. Here are some ideas to soothe your boredom while Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson glare at each other and say things like “I don’t do relationships” or “What are you doing to me?” or “Hey girl check out my sweet helicopter”:

Make many trips to the concession stand, obviously. Worried of running out of reasons for your mid-movie excursions? Bring a very large purse. Fill said purse with the contents from a large bucket of popcorn. Return to concession stand for free refill. Repeat many times. If you are concerned about your surplus of popcorn, be the nice person who shares with the rest of the people in the theater. You’ll make some new friends.
During one of your trips to the concession stand, ask the concessions worker to make you a “suicide.” If they don’t know what that is, explain it to them. This should take up at least five minutes.
Give into that typically-ignored urge to go to the bathroom. You won’t miss anything. Just make sure not to leave the theater until immediately after a sex scene ends, thus ensuring you will not miss the next one. I assume they are spaced out.
Exit the theater every 10 minutes to call various relatives, friends, life partners, et al. and explain to them what you have chosen to do with your life for 100 minutes that day.
Bring some knitting.
If you are at a theater that serves alcohol, bring a list of things you think will happen often in the film so you can play a drinking game. Drink when: Dakota Johnson bites her lip, someone says “red room of pain,” someone calls Christian “Mr. Grey,” anytime a white person is on screen. You’ll be wasted in no time. Boredom solved.
Exit theater. Go to box office. Purchase a ticket to see anything else. Enjoy.

These are obviously just suggestions, but let’s be real: we’re all going to see this movie for one reason and one reason only (okay, Jamie Dornan is in it, so that’s two): to see just how wild this sex gets and just how they managed to make a film based on such a dumb, horribly-written book. They did it with ‘Twilight.’ Five times, if memory serves.

‘50 Shades of Grey’ hits theaters on February 13.