'Nurse 3D' ReviewJordan Hoffman |
So, listen....Do you have a sleazy side? Don't look over your shoulder to see who's watching, just answer. If the answer is “a little” or “kinda” or even “Oh God, yes!” then I have the movie for you.
'Nurse 3D' (though I saw it on VOD in 2D) is, on the one hand, an uninspired cheapo horror picture that offers absolutely nothing new. But, somewhere along the way someone (who deserves the Presidential Medal of Freedom, BTW) recognized that if they went all-in on trash they'd have a classic, grindhouse exploitation film that ably scratches an itch for degenerate movie goers. 'Nurse 3D' is just campy enough to suggest that this is all by design, but it isn't an intentional “so-bad-it's-good” effort. It goes the other way – keeping its sights low and delivering base pleasures.
Paz de la Huerta is a horrible actress. Remember when Juliette Lewis played a mentally-challenged girl in 'The Other Sister'? That's how Paz de la Huerta acts in 'Nurse.' She is, however, blessed with an hourglass figure and a proclivity towards vein-poppingly tight clothing – that is, if she's wearing any clothing at all. ('Nurse 3D' features two extended scenes of de la Huerta Daisy Duck-ing. If that's your thing, this movie is like ten birthday gifts in one.)
De La Huerta plays a manhunting murderess who trawls bars looking for would-be adulterers to lure to their doom. “I look like a slut,” she purrs in a voice-over, most of which sounds as though the actress is reading it for the first time. This is just her night job. By day, she's a nurse (they say she's the best in the hospital!) and when a new gal (Katrina Bowden) comes aboard, our villain gets fixated.
I don't know about you, but most of the hospitals I've visited have bland off-pastel colored walls and smell like stale urine. In 'Nurse 3D' what we see is a smoldering den of deep reds where Wilhelmina models hide behind each door actively slaking their lust with doctors and ambulance drivers. The nurse's “locker room” is dressed like a set from a porno shoot, with open showers and wooden benches and plenty of room to walk around in loosely clutched towels. It's all pretty hilarious.
Paz has the hots for Katrina, but this love isn't reciprocated without the aid of roofie-enhanced drinks. In order to further secure her affections, the titular Nurse has to kill Martin Donovan and Judd Nelson in increasingly over-the-top fashion. Hey, who are we to argue?
The plot of 'Nurse' is as thin and sheer as the nurses' white skirts, but there are enough over-the-top zings to add a glaze of John Waters-esque fabulousness. There's no reason this can't sit alongside 'Showgirls' as something for friends to half-watch with a few bottles of wine. Between the squeak of leather and soporific line delivery (I can't stress enough just how bad Paz de la Huerta is), there are some true bon mots thrown-in. Plus, a direct homage to 'Kentucky Fried Movie''s 'Catholic High School Girls in Trouble'! The type of person who knows what image that conjures also knows they'll enjoy this flick.'Nurse 3D' opens in select theaters and On Demand on February 7.
Jordan Hoffman is a writer, critic and lapsed filmmaker living in New York City. His work can also be seen on Badass Digest and StarTrek.com.