Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: ‘Prometheus’ Beer, Tom Cruise’s Monkey and More
It just isn’t a week without a heavy Dose of Ridiculous. In this week’s edition Michael Fassbender sells Coors, Tom Cruise demands a monkey co-star, Jennifer Lopez is more famous than Oprah, and Oliver Twist gets a parkour twist.
Consumer product tie-ins are rarely anything but gaudy and disgraceful, and this latest set of pairings is no exception. Apparently the trend this summer is marketing to the overlooked bro-dudes of the nation — you know, that little-known, oft-ignored subculture of America gets thirsty too. And what do they like to drink? For the frat bros and NASCAR dads, that’d be Coors, which has partnered with ‘Prometheus’ to ask “Where will your thirst take you?” Hopefully down to the store to buy some classy craft beer instead of this mass-produced swill. We’d like to think that even in space, someone can hear you bemoan watered-down trailer park beer.
And for the kids, Batman himself will be selling Mountain Dew, including a new “Dark Berry” flavor for ‘The Dark Knight Rises.’ When the Dark Knight rises in the morning, he’s feeling like Paula Deen and the only thing that can quench his righteous thirst is a big bottle of carbonated, radioactive diabetes. And with Bruce Wayne’s dental plan, why the hell not?
According to the Forbes Celebrity 100 list, ol’ J. Lo is the most famous celebrity. The rankings take into account finances and notoriety to figure out who is the most popular celeb, and the general public has chosen their deity: J. Lo. Wait, J. Lo? Like, that J. Lo? Yes, and we blame all of you for buying products with her face on them, like razors and make-up, or watching ‘American Idol,’ and if you go see ‘What to Expect When You’re Expecting’ this weekend, you’re to blame too.
J. Lo beat out Steven Spielberg (a national treasure!), Lady Gaga, Tom Cruise, and even Oprah. Oprah! How does this happen? How do we let J. Lo become the best, most popular celebrity? With the way things are going, Kim Kardashian is going to top this list next year and we’ll just have to burn down television and start all over again. Shame on you, America.
For his new 80s rock musical ‘Rock of Ages,’ Tom Cruise demanded a monkey sidekick. Cruise says that he told director Adam Shankman that his character, aging rock star Stacee Jaxx, would be lonely and would need a monkey for a best friend. He even gave the monkey the name, “Hey Man.” And of course Shankman caved to Cruise’s demand. Is art imitating life, here? When will the monkeys undoubtedly being held captive on Cruise’s estate come together and pull a ‘Rise of the Planet of the Apes’ and escape this forced friend enslavement?! Sure, now it’s monkeys, but what about next time? Koalas? Whales? Sloths? Will Ethan Hunt’s next adventure be a Mission: Im-possum-ible?
Red Bull (yes, that Red Bull) is producing a new spin on ‘Oliver Twist,’ the classic novel from Charles Dickens. Who knew the purveyors of an energy drink had such well-rounded taste? They don’t. They’re producing a new, EXTREME adaptation that will be set in modern day, integrating parkour and presented in 3D (obviously). It’s a new ‘Oliver Twist’ for a bro-dude age — is this the year of the bro? Between ‘Prometheus’ Coors, ‘Dark Knight Rises’ Mountain Dew, and now parkour ‘Oliver Twist’ in EXTREME 3D, sponsored by Red Bull, this just may be the year the bros win. Pretty soon we’ll all be drinking Red Bull and getting Ed Hardy tramp stamps.