Mileage may vary, but in spite of some out-there crossovers, twists and modern updates, Archie comics will always represent a certain goofy teen dynamic. That is, until the gang gets a CW re-imagining for Riverdale, in which a buff Archie has a dark secret, a tense rivalry with “emo hearthtrob” Jughead, and an Adderall-addicted Betty. Come, join our descent into madness.

TVLine obtained the core four casting breakdowns for its Riverdale teens, as outlined by DC TV producer extraordinaire Greg Berlanti, and written by Archie Comics’ chief creative officer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa. The series was initially conceived at FOX before The CW scooped up the idea, and well .. the influence shows:

ARCHIE ANDREWS | A high school sophomore, the redhead is still boyishly handsome but “pumped and looking good after working construction for his dad during the summer.” Archie is grappling with heavy issues and juggling the interest of several girls while discovering his passion for writing and performing music against his father and his football coach’s better wishes. Oh, and he’s harboring more than one dark, terrible secret.

BETTY COOPER | The blonde and pretty sophomore is described as having “some self-esteem issues and affinity for Adderall.” Eager-to-please, wholesome and studious, Betty has a super-crush on her longtime best bud, Archie. But tired of being the “perfect” everything, she turns to her new friend, Veronica, for life advice. Betty has an emotionally brittle mom, a goth-like sister and a coveted spot on the cheerleading squad — though with certain conditions….

VERONICA LODGE | Producers are aiming to ideally cast a Latina as this “silver-tongued” stunner, who has just returned to Riverdale from New York following a scandal which resulted in her father going to prison. Extremely intelligent, self-confident and immediately popular, Veronica is eager to reinvent herself — from Mean Girl to caring friend.

JUGHEAD JONES | A hearing-impaired actor is being sought to play Jughead as an “emo-heartthrob.” The lanky lad is Archie’s former best friend, seeing as the two still are smarting from a rift that took place between them. Angry, but with a philosophical bent, Jughead “refuses to take the olive branch being proffered by Archie, the hurt goes that deep.”

So deep, man. The hurt. It just … it goes that deep. When last we heard, Riverdale remained a script in development, but has obviously begun preparing cast notices for a pilot phase. Will the series prove recognizably Archie enough, or get lost in a sexy teen makeover?

“Now the clones are sexy teens, they’re gonna make it if they try…”