All right so now we know the names of five of the big characters in ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’ John Boyega is Finn, Daisy Ridley is Rey, Oscar Isaac is Poe Dameron, and the mystery villain with the crazy cool lightsaber is Kylo Ren. Plus the ball droid that’s such a roly-poly scene-stealer in the film’s first trailer is named BB-8.

Admittedly, this is not a lot of information to go on; in several cases, it’s not even a full name. But why should that stop us from speculating wildly and trying to intuit (using our highly attuned Jedi mind powers) just who these characters are or what they might be doing? To find that information, we asked the experts of The Kabalarians sound like a Star Wars race (“Emperor Palpatine! The Kabalarians are swarming our attack fleet!”), but they are in fact a group that believes “name creates your personality, thoughts, desires, attitudes, like and dislikes, ideals and goals ... The Kabalarian Philosophy uncovers the mystery of mind—how mind is created and from where our thoughts come.”

The site boasts that readers will “discover the power within your name.” That is precisely what we did. We put each of the ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ character names into’s “Instant Name Analysis.” Here are the highlights of what we found:

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  • “The name of Finn gives you a very idealistic nature. Your desire for peace and harmony causes you to withdraw from situations where there is friction and acrimony. You are quite reserved and inclined to feel sensitive and self-conscious, even though you strive to appear poised and confident.”
  • “Being rather secretive in many ways, and not liking people to pry into your affairs restrict opportunities for friendship; not until you feel you can trust others do you open up to them. The desire to help others and the generous side of your nature attract those who take advantage of you.”
  • “While you lack verbal expression and spontaneity under this name, you have a natural literary ability and writing comes easily to you. You also have a deep appreciation of nature and all the finer things in life.”
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  • “Your first name of Rey has given you a quick, active mind, which has caused you to delve into many different ideas and theories. You have a desire for association with people and, since you have no difficulty in being spontaneous and expressive with others, you have considerable ability for discussion and debate.”
  • “You enjoy unexpected opportunities for meeting people, or doing things on the spur of the moment. Where you have difficulty is in organizing and systematizing the handling of your responsibilities. Though you can work on any undertaking intently as long as it absorbs your interest, you cannot persevere when confronted by obstacles or by tedious monotony. Thus your success in your undertakings is limited.”
  • “The tasks or activities you enjoy the most allow some form of creative or artistic expression. You will never tolerate a situation where your independence and individuality are curtailed. Conditions in your personal life can change very quickly to turmoil any time you are challenged, or when there is any friction or misunderstanding, because you can be very caustic and outspoken.”
  • “There is an element of idealism in this name which makes you generous toward those who are less fortunate than yourself, and also causes you to uphold the rights of others.”
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Poe Dameron:

  • “Your name of Poe gives you a highly sensitive, idealistic, and intuitive nature. You could be expressive and creative in the arts, music, or drama. You feel and sense much that you do not fully understand, and you can be deeply influenced through the thoughts of others without realizing just how you are being affected.”
  • “Others are inclined to take advantage of your generosity and friendliness and then, when there is a lack of reciprocation, you can feel despondent and disillusioned. Moods are a problem as you can be highly inspired one minute, and the next become quite irritated and annoyed over some ill-timed remark or lack of consideration on the part of someone close to you. You could suffer through nervous breakdowns, as well as disturbing thoughts, which could affect your concentration and memory.”
  • “Also, disorders in the fluid functions could arise.”
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Kylo Ren:

  • “Your name of Kylo has created a most expressive nature, idealistic and inspirational, driven with a strong inner urge to be of service in some way that would uplift humanity as a whole. However, there is a tendency to assume too heavy a burden of responsibility for others, which leads to worry and undue concern.”
  • “People with problems are drawn to you as they recognize you as one who has understanding and gives not only sympathy and comfort but provides also some constructive advice or assistance.”
  • “You have a generous quality to your nature, but you must guard carefully against giving more than you receive or you will find yourself doing without because you have helped someone else. You love people, family, home, and friends and try to be a parent to the whole human race.”
  • “Any health problems would show as tension in the nervous system brought on by worry.”
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  • Sadly, the Kalabarians’ database does not include BB-8 (at least not until some ‘Star Wars’ nerd names their poor baby that). But we’re guessing, based on his name and a variety of factors, that he’s a robot. And disorders in fluid functions could arise.

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