'A Haunted House 2' did not screen early for critics. On Thursday, I received an email from my editor suggesting that I pay to see 'A Haunted House 2' at a movie theater on Friday morning. I tried using the "but I haven’t seen the first ‘Haunted House'" excuse, but that seemed to have little to no impact on this request. Who knows? Maybe it’s hilarious? On Friday morning, I purchased a ticked for the 10:45 a.m. screening of 'A Haunted House 2.' While watching, I kept a running diary of the events that transpired. It was a fairly miserable experience. Here’s how all that went:
10:50 a.m.: Nine other people decided to watch the a.m. showing of ‘A Haunted House 2’ on the Upper East Side of Manhattan.
10:54 a.m.: I returned from using the men’s room and a woman who is sitting at the end of my aisle won’t let me back in. What’s the appropriate amount of time to wait after you say “excuse me?" In the past, it’s always been a pretty immediate reaction.
10:54 a.m.: It’s been 20 seconds and she hasn’t responded in any way. I’ve said "excuse me" twice.
10:55 a.m.: I just stepped over her. At one point I was straddling her knees.
10:57 a.m.: A trailer just played for a movie called ‘Into the Storm.’ It ended with commercial airliners being whisked away by the storm. I’m going to go ahead and mark this one down as a "not going to see it."
11:01 a.m.: 'A Haunted House 2' begins with a line about "fingerbanging."
11:05 a.m.: A dog was just smashed by a safe. This movie is hilarious.
11:07 a.m.: Marlon Wayans can be very charming.
11:09 a.m.: Marlon Wayans is making out with a doll.
11:10 a.m.: Marlon Wayans is now performing cunnilingus on a doll.
11:14 a.m.: I wonder what people are doing outside.
11:18 a.m.: I know I’m not remembering correctly, but I feel that every movie ‘A Haunted House 2’ is spoofing starred Ethan Hawke. Is that possible?
11:23 a.m.: The doll in this movie is a good actor.
11:29 a.m.: Marlon Wayans just had sex with the doll again.
11:31 a.m.: Honestly, what am I watching?
11:33 a.m.: Of course there’s a 'Scary Movie' reference in this movie.
11:35 a.m.: Another dog is dead. This time they shot him.
11:38 a.m.: There is now hilarious dialogue over the double meaning of the word “box.” If I explained any further, it really would ruin the joke for you.
11:39 a.m.: What’s the best way to begin a resignation letter?
11:39 a.m.: "At no point in our employment agreement did it say anything about seeing ‘A Haunted House 2.’"
11:41 a.m.: "Do you have a prescription for crazy bitch?" A line of dialogue from ‘Haunted House 2.’
11:43 a.m.: No one in this theater is laughing. Was everyone in here forced to come to this, too?
11:45 a.m.: An Obamacare joke was made that actually wasn’t bad. I smiled.
11:46 a.m.: Marlon Wayans is fighting a chicken.
11:48 a.m.: Honestly, half of this movie is just Marlon Wayans screaming.
11:49 a.m.: Marlon Wayans just defecated on the doll. None of this surprises me anymore.
11:50 a.m.: The 'A Haunted House 2' pitch meeting: "Oh, yeah, the whole movie is just pretty much Marlon and the doll. He will have sex with it a few times, then poop on it. It’s a comedy."
11:53 a.m.: You know how time slows down as you travel near the speed of light? I can only assume that’s what’s happening right now.
11:55 a.m.: There are like eight different plots going on the same time in this movie.
12:00 p.m.: There was a Madea joke. I’m wondering if 'A Haunted House 2' really thinks it’s of a higher quality than a Madea movie.
12:05 p.m.: I just zoned out for a bit. I honestly don’t know what happened in the last five minutes of this movie. I was thinking about paying my cable bill.
12:08 p.m.: Marlon Wayans just performed oral sex on himself.
12:08 p.m.: I just looked to my right and the woman who wouldn’t let me by her just got up and walked out.
12:09 p.m.: I think I’m going to stop writing things down for a while.
12:17 a.m.: Why won’t this movie end?
12:20 a.m.: Marlon Wayans is screaming as the end credits role. That seems appropriate.
12:22 a.m.: What am I doing with my life?
Mike Ryan is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.