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‘Ninja Turtles’ Reboot Details Make Us Happy This Movie Never Happened

Ninja Turtles
New Line Cinema

Back in June, it was announced that the planned ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles‘ reboot had been “postponed indefinitely” and with producer Michael Bay’s script leaking online this week, we can take solace in knowing this movie never happened.

Two sites posted ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ script reviews over the weekend and each paint a picture of a film that would’ve driven even the most casual ‘TMNT’ fan crazy. As was previously rumored, the Turtles were indeed aliens: sent from “Dimension X” by a race of turtles who believed Donatello, Leonardo, Raphael and Michelangelo were the “chosen ones.”

To add insult to injury, the Ninja Turtles aren’t even the focus of the script. That honor would go to the now-teenage Casey Jones and April O’Neill. Instead of being a vigilante, Casey is just an 18-year-old who meets up with the Turtles. And April isn’t a news anchor, she’s an intern at CBS. They’re dating and struggling to keep their relationship together. Says the review, “In a movie about larger-than-life creatures fighting evil, a stupid-ass teenager and his drama-filled relationship take the front seat.

Perhaps most egregiously, the villainous Shredder isn’t a criminal samurai, he’s a guy named Colonel Schrader (get it, Shredder…Schrader?…) with a secret Army force named The Foot.

What seems most annoying was the constant pop-culture references from ‘Reservoir Dogs’ to ‘Kung-Fu Panda’ to the winky nods to the Ninja Turtles themselves (“What am I, a kid’s toy?”).

It’s pleasing to know that someone at Paramount recognized this script was garbage and went back to the drawing board to try again. What doesn’t fill us with a lot of optimism though is that Michael Bay is still producing and he’s the one who produced this script.

You can read the full review here and if you’re enterprising enough, the script is floating around online at Scribd and you might still be able to track it down.

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