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‘True Blood’: The Good, The Bad, and The Worst of “In the Beginning”

True Blood
HBO

If your turn-ons include karaoke massacres, vampire mythology, and long strolls while under the influence of vampire blood that’s been aged for thousands of years in the basement of a shadowy vampire government’s lair, then this week’s ‘True Blood‘ is for you. 

The Good

“I ain’t been to fairy school or med school or nothin’,” says Jason. Yeah, but you’ve been to the school of hard knocks against the headboard, and that’s what’s up.

Salome says Roman had to decide when his own essence would flow. Just like a man to flow his essence all over the place whenever he pleases, am I right?! I’ll just hand the mic back to Paula Poundstone now.

Speaking of which, Tina Majorino droppin’ 90s phrases. WHACKED. Next week she teaches everyone how to use slap bracelets and pogs.

The F-bombs were on fire this week (HA HA, no pun intended, Smoke Monster), especially Bill’s “Like f— we are.”

I enjoy the grand return of Russell Edgington, who dispatches the vampire Authority quicker than Paula Deen undresses a stick of butter. And he’s so damn classy and well-rounded. That man knows his marble columns, and if you know marble columns, you’re way classier than me because the only arena in which I have such refined knowledge is ‘The O.C.’

Dale Dickey just gets it.

Arlene and Terry’s wedding video is so gloriously trashy. Jason talks lovingly about Sookie and then stops to eye a woman’s butt parts mid-sentence and then Terry goes to first base with his wife’s pregnant belly.

Pam is the only one who can pull off that crimped hair, and I think she and Tina Majorino could be the best of friends if Pam would just cut the cord with baby vamp Tara.

Gross you guys, that Lilith blood is thousands of years old. At least put some Sriracha on it before you… Oh… Well okay then.

“I am like a tree in the wind, I am just so happy to be included.” Bless your gay little heart, Steve Newlin. Can we get a Steve and Russell hook-up? Steve’s no Talbot, but I’m picturing him in those little sweaters around his shoulders helping Russell pick out tasteful furniture.

And then everyone got so hiiiiigh.

Russell Edgington hates karaoke. I’m not okay with this, but did you hear that lady butchering “You Light Up My Life”? That whole room had it coming.

“Yeah, and I bet you know the name of every cow you’ve ever eaten.” “What the f— kind of question is that? I ain’t ever f—ed no cow!” And now we can stop wondering about whether Jason ever succumbed to the stereotypes of his people.

Jason and Jessica’s fight: More of this, less bad sex music and tacky purple robe.

The Bad

Our episode opens with some strobe lights and night vision that gave me ‘Nam flashbacks to the Paris Hilton sex tape. Possum eyes don’t look good on anyone.

“We’re testing her luminescence.” Sookie is a light bulb. Tesla is a jack-ass.

Let’s get this straight: In Bon Temps, a cop saying he was late to work because he was boinking his lady friend is “TMI,” but Hoyt can wear that eyeliner and Tara gets to live and no one seems bothered by this in the slightest. You guys have your priorities all jacked up.

Tara’s mom takes a break from her job in ‘The Newsroom’ to tell Tara, “You’re dead to me.” I knew she’d come around eventually. Feels good, you know?

Anyone who thinks sewing Lafayette’s mouth shut is a good idea has obviously never met Tara and is also my mortal enemy.

Jessica has terrible taste in sex music. This show’s budget seams are really showing right now. Did they hire someone to do a generic Britney Spears club hit soundalike?

Sookie Stackhouse: For all your party lighting needs. Weddings, orgies, vampire bloodbaths, and Bar Mitzvahs.

Godric, the friendly ghost.

The Worst

The hick guys in Obama masks have befriended Hoyt. Hoyt has always been the sponge character, just absorbing the traits of everything he comes into contact with, and this time it’s a group of Glenn Beck fans with guns who say things like, “If they started to call them love groups no one would want to be in one.” You’re right, love group sounds cultish, but at least they have lots of sex on their side.

Alcide’s new lady friend tries to get him to take V “just this once,” but he declines. Yo, girl, remember that when he tries to gain back door entry and says “just this once, baby.”

Is Sam still whining?

Tara’s pole dancing is a thing and it should be stopped.

“You killed my friends!” “So?! You killed my friends!” Hey, guys, I know you are but what am I?

The smoke monster laughs because we are still watching this show.

The special effects when Lilith emerges from the blood-drenched karaoke stage are the worst this show has ever had. And also “when Lilith emerges from the blood-drenched karaoke stage” is a sentence I just typed.

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