Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: Tyler Perry, ‘Resident Evil’ and ’50 Shades’
In this week’s Dose of Ridiculous we’ve got a Tyler Perry space movie, more ‘Fifty Shades of Grey‘ crap (does it ever end?), a ‘Resident Evil‘ restaurant, and a ‘Cabin Fever’ prequel starring a hobbit.
Rest easy, little internet doves. You weren’t the only ones disappointed with ‘Prometheus.’ Turns out multi-hyphenate Tyler Perry is a huge fan of sci-fi, and the ‘Alien’ franchise in particular, and he wasn’t too thrilled with ‘Prometheus.’ So disappointed was the director that he’s decided to make his own damn sci-fi film. Tyler Perry, the man who has built a career on dressing up like a sassy old black lady, is going to make a science fiction film. The jokes, they write themselves here. Will we get Madea in space? I, for one, will not be pleased with anything less than Madea teaching a group of kooky aliens a hard lesson about life on a distant planet. Your move, Perry.
If you love ‘Resident Evil,’ you should probably start taking all that money you spend on Red Bull and Mountain Dew and save it for your own special vacation to Shibuya, Japan where Biohazard cafe and Grill S.T.A.R.S., a ‘Resident Evil’ theme restaurant, will be opening on July 13. Don’t worry, it’ll be open for a whole year, so there’s plenty of time to get over there and check out the presumably pun-heavy food offerings, all hopefully served to you via waiters running at your table in slow-motion. Also of note: “limited edition items” (like dignity?) and dance performances by something called “S.T.A.R.S. Angelique.” They say it’s only open for a year, but we’re going to go ahead and guess they’ll decide to give us another… and another… and one more… but, just one more… and then another… just like the movies!
You know, maybe Sean Astin’s phone hadn’t rang in a year, and he’d been sitting there in the dark like Glenn Close in ‘Fatal Attraction,’ slowly flicking his light off and on and fidgeting with a ring replica from ‘The Lord of the Rings’ in his hands until finally, the phone rang. He answered it. Before they could even tell him what they wanted, he said, “I’ll do it!” So now Sean Astin is going to be in a ‘Cabin Fever’ prequel called ‘Cabin Fever: Patient Zero.’ Best case scenario: He’ll be like the Gwyneth Paltrow in ‘Contagion’ of the ‘Cabin Fever’ universe. Worst case scenario: Let’s have a moment of silence and show some respect for Sean Astin’s career. We don’t care how much you love ‘Lord of the Rings,’ we’ll always believe Astin peaked as the lispy, muscle-obsessed brother in ’50 First Dates.’ Oh, and we guess we should say something about ‘Rudy’…. RUDY! There.
Also ridiculous: The director is graphic novelist Kaare Andrews, who also worked on horror films ‘Altitude’ and something called ‘V is for Vagitus,’ which we’re pretty sure they don’t allow in Michigan.
In case just reading that awful book isn’t enough for you, soon you’ll be able to buy merchandise to live a fully-realized ’50 Shades’ lifestyle. Merchandise includes t-shirts, sleepwear, lounge wear, lingerie, cosmetics and fragrances (rolling out later), apparel, stationery, and “accessories.” Adult shops have already been capitalizing on the novelty of the book trilogy by setting up standees in stores that offer the books as well as a plethora of beginners’ bondage products, like “My first ball gag” and “training paddles.” This is just speculation, but feel free to confirm the existence of such items.
Anyway, since author E.L.
Fudge James apparently isn’t taking enough of your money, now you can just throw it at her by buying a bunch of ’50 Shades’ crap. You too can feel like a desperate young woman who will do all sorts of things she doesn’t like so her man will never leave her! We really think the pajamas will bring out the color in your insecurity beautifully, while the stationery will enhance your ability to write your own ‘Twilight’ fan-fic, which you can then hopefully sell to a bunch of people, such as yourself, with poor taste and a limited grasp of the concept of literature and erotica.