Weekly Dose of Ridiculous: ‘Van Helsing’ Reborn and More
Have you had enough ridiculous in your week? What if we told you that Tom Cruise is starring in a 'Van Helsing' reboot and fans are pushing for Donald Glover to star in Michael Bay's 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' movie? All this and Will Smith on a gyro-cycle in this week's dose of ridiculous!
Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman have a slew of hit or miss writing credits, including JJ Abrams' 'Star Trek,' 'Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen,' 'The Island,' and the sci-fi TV series 'Fringe.' Universal has just signed the busy pair on for a two-year, first look production deal, which is great news except for their first plans: rebooting both 'The Mummy' and 'Van Helsing.' While the former is a little more reasonable considering Universal's long track record with their famous monsters, the latter is a total head-scratcher. Attached to star in and produce the 'Van Helsing' update? Tom Cruise. And who even cares about Van Helsing?
Yeah, the guy hunted down Dracula, but he's kind of boring. This news is boring, really. Is Universal that concerned with making sure we get some sleep? Will they give out pillows at screenings for our comfort?
Mr. Cruise, surely you have better things to do. I know we're all looking forward to the further adventures of Ethan Hunt, but maybe Paul Thomas Anderson could use you in something? Have you called him in a while? He's probably really worried about you.
A new trailer and some images for 'Men In Black III' were released this week, making it only second to 'Prometheus' in terms of content being released daily. In both the trailer and images we get a peek at these gyro-cycle things that the agents will use at some point in lieu of sensible automobile transportation. And we don't get it. Do they have lower carbon emissions or are they more comfortable than your average four door sedan or something? They don't even really look that cool.
But these gyro-cycles seem very familiar... They call to mind a specific episode of 'South Park,' titled "The Entity," in which Mr. Garrison invents a gyroscope as an alternative to air travel. The device requires the user to engage in motions to power the vehicle that hilariously resemble some pervy sex action. What we've learned this week: Barry Sonnenfeld is clearly a 'South Park' fan, but more importantly -- gross.
Look, it was really cute when we all wanted Donald Glover (actor, comedian, all-around awesome guy) to play Spider-Man in Marc Webb's reboot. The idea was interesting and fun, and Glover seemed perfect for the part. While Glover as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle seems like a pretty obvious idea, can we please keep him away from Michael Bay?
Bay is producing a new 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' series and film, and he's assured everyone that these turtles will be "edgy" and more like aliens, and we'll probably find out in like, six months that they're more like robots than aliens and the movie is now called 'Transformer Robot Alien Reptiles,' and we'll all look the other way while that obnoxious kid wreaks havoc on the playground. And it'll be okay because he has his own area to play in and make weird crap with loud BOOM BOOM noises while we engage in more scholarly pursuits, like arguing over who should helm the new 'Batman' franchise.
But do you really want Donald Glover hanging out in Michael Bay's sandbox? Here's a funny guy, a great writer, an excellent lyricist, and one talented actor. "But," you say, "Ben Affleck was in 'Armageddon'!" Yeah, and Ben Affleck went on to date Jennifer Lopez, and you can't even tell us the two of those things aren't connected. The 'Gigli' years were dark. Don't let Donald Glover have 'Gigli' years.