R.I.P. Lucas Flannery, The Most Interesting Person in a 'Transformers' MovieMike Ryan |
PARIS, TX — Local seemingly well-liked mechanic is killed by Transformer death bomb.
Lucas Flannery, 33, by far the most interesting person in this town and possibly this entire Transformers-populated world, died last week after showing up at his unpaid job working for local "inventor" Cade Yeager.
Flannery was born Lucas Cody Flannery in Paris, TX (also known as “Texas, USA”) and charmed his way through life. “Someday I will make a ‘Transformers’ movie interesting,” he was quoted as saying in his senior year high school yearbook.
Flannery did have a reputation as a womanizer, but most of these instances were misunderstandings exasperated by low camera angles and sunsets.
Mr. Flannery showed great promise in cultivating an actual human element in a ‘Transformers’ world that made us actually care about him, but as we know, there’s no place for a human character in the world of ‘Transformers' and he was quickly killed.
On the day of his death, Mr. Flannery accompanied Mr. Yeager to a movie theater where he suffered a head contusion after being struck by a football forcefully thrown by Mr. Yeager. After striking Flannery, Yeager then proceeded to borrow $150 from Flannery to buy an abandoned truck.
Once Mr. Yeager discovered that the truck was a Transformer named Optimus Prime – and after Optimus Prime threatened Mr. Flannery’s life at gunpoint – Flannery did what any reasonable person would do by calling the authorities.
In an event still being investigated at the time of this report, Yeager, Flannery, Yeager’s daughter, Tessa, and an unidentified professional racecar driver of Irish descent fled the scene, eventually leading to an abandoned warehouse -- that, luckily, was in proximity to a car jumping ramp that saved their lives when the car decided to drive out of an upper floor window.
The foursome then took off on foot. It was at this point a Transfromer named Lockdown started hurling death bombs at the group. While Yeager, his daughter and the racecar driver choreographically avoided the death bombs, Mr. Flannery – who was not privy to the rehearsed choreography on how to avoid the death bombs and was running off by himself -- was vaporized. Also vaporized was any semblance of entertainment for the remaining 2 hours and 15 minutes of this movie.
Reached for comment, Flannery’s boss, Mr. Yeager, said, “I was sad for a little bit there, yeah.” Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots, responded, “Roll out.” The Transformer known as Lockdown has not responded to multiple requests for comment.
A memorial will be held for Lucas Flannery this Wednesday around his smoldering remains, which are still on display outside the abandoned warehouse.
Lucas Flannery enjoyed vacationing in South Padre Island. He is survived by no one in particular. He will never be mentioned again.
Mike Ryan has written for The Huffington Post, Wired, Vanity Fair and GQ. He is the senior editor of ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.