‘True Blood': The Good, The Bad, and The Worst of “Sunset”
The good news is that 'True Blood' is finally tightening up its myriad plots this week as we approach the season finale. The bad news is that it still takes an entire season to be a good show, and now they want us to believe that Tara has a crush on Pam? And there was no Lafayette this week? Let's take a look at the good, the bad, and the worst of "Sunset."
Bill is struggling to reconcile his last shreds of morality with his new-found crazy vampire naked lady religion, but he sounds like one of those guys in a bad infomercial: "There's gotta be a better way!" Yes, just drink some more dead naked lady blood and tell us about this "better way."
A military general shows up to shake everyone down at Authority HQ, threatening them with the vampire equivalent of a night vision sex tape, wherein Steve Newlin and Russell Edgington slaughter a frat house and slow dance to Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." And he's all, "Who the f--- are you" to everyone there because really, who are these people? I'm having a hard time keeping track.
Military man says, "We've got weapons you've never even heard of!" proving that hipsterism isn't exclusive to the greater Portland and Austin areas anymore.
This week it's Jessica's turn to explain the plot of the show in two sentences, but it still just reads like the showrunners took a set of 'True Blood'-themed word magnets you find on the refrigerators of people who want to seem like they went to college and arranged them until they made something that vaguely resembles a sentence.
Shirtless Joe Manganiello does pointless physical labor, the way the good television lord intended. I'm pretty sure something else happened with a vampire gang and Robert Patrick glowering a lot, but I was distracted by no shirt.
I like to imagine Jason's prequel story is like the Louisiana version of 'Friday Night Lights.' He is the Bon Temps Tim Riggins.
Andy's face when Arlene takes a french fry from his plate: I feel you on this. How dare she.
What this season comes down to is this: Bill's imaginary naked bloody friend versus Eric and Nora's imaginary vampire dad versus Russell and Steve's fairy power and their magical adopted puppy. Meanwhile, Pam says something sassy and pulls off a hairdo no one in their right mind has attempted since 1986.
Jesus smelled like patchouli! He probably also bought mad pounds of quinoa at Whole Foods and was like, "Ugh, where is the grass-fed beef?"
"Who the f--- is Luna?" Bless your heart, Pam. You just get it.
When fairies are drained by vampires they shrink into Gollum before exploding in gold glitter. There is a metaphor here for my hangovers, but I need your help finding it.
Naked, blood-drenched dead vampire lady blood is talking to everyone around here, and she is so damn shady, telling everyone, "We need a leader. You are the one." When you start hearing the disembodied voice of a naked, bloody vampire lady telling you how you're the chosen one, it might be time for an intervention. I think this is how they prepare for the Republican National Convention.
Nora whines during sex, "Please forgive me. What are we going to doooo?" Does she get her sex tips from Cosmo? The next thing you know she'll be telling Eric the baby names she's been planning while he incests her from behind and rolls his eyes.
Tara is a feminist now, and she wants you to know the Authority needs to keep their laws off her body. She is a free woman and choices and stuff.
Fairies can't talk about sex like grown-ups. I GAVE YOU MY LIGHT. YOU PUT YOUR HUMAN TREE BRANCH OF FRUIT IN MY WATERFALL OF PURITY. And also Andy is the father of a fairy baby. That kid is going to cope with some issues in life.
Did anyone else get a distinct 'Wayne's World' vibe from Bill's "I'm not worthy" knee-drop?
Did Stephen Moyer attend the Keanu Reeves School of, Like, Acting and Hair and Stuff?
In order to get help from a fairy you have to give your opinion on controversial musicians like Ke$ha and John Cougar Mellencamp and Boyz II Men while she does an interpretive dance that resembles my mom trying to show me what a rain dance is during boxed wine hour at her house.
"You can't make me say stuff that I don't feel!" says Holly's kid, who will probably be carving Nirvana lyrics into his arm after dinner later.
'True Blood,' I'm going to keep this real simple for you: Pam and Tara is not something that can happen, ever. Stop trying to make this a thing.