Is ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ the Best Marvel Movie? (And 24 Other Urgent Questions)
This week, you will spend the money you earned as your salary and you will exchange that for a ticket (or maybe more than one ticket if you’re taking a friend and you happen to be nice or rich!) to see ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier.’ Who is the Winter Soldier? Why does he get to be in the title of a Captain America movie? Is the Winter Soldier nice? Would he pay for your ticket to see ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’? As a service to you – and only you – we answer every question that you could possibly have about ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier.’
Q: Is the Winter Soldier nice?
A: Not really.
Q: Who is the Winter Soldier?
A: The Winter Soldier is a Russian assassin who wrecks havoc for Captain America (Chris Evans) and his friends.
Q: So the Winter Soldier is evil?
A: For the most part, he’s pretty evil.
Q: Oh, is he the one responsible for that ‘How I Met Your Mother’ finale?
A: No. He’s not that evil.
Q: Where do we find Captain America since we last left him?
Q: Why didn’t Captain America help Iron Man when Tony Stark’s house blew up? Or help Thor when Thor was fighting aliens in London?
A: I can only assume that all happened while Captain America was watching ‘Star Wars‘.
Q: Will I like ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’?
Q: Will I be able to explain to anyone what ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ is about without sounding like a crazy person?
Q: Is ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ unnecessarily complicated?
A: I wouldn’t go that far, but it is complicated, yet it makes perfect sense while you’re experiencing it – it only feels complicated after it’s over. I can only assume this is what three-way sex is like after it’s over.
Q: If you’re going to be blurbed in this weekend’s commercials for ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier,’ what quote do you think will be used?
A: “‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ is what three-way sex is like!” – Mike Ryan, ScreenCrush
Q: Who does Robert Redford play in ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’?
A: Redford plays a senior S.H.I.E.L.D honcho named Alexander Pierce.
Q: Is Alexander Pierce a nice guy?
A: Not really. (Though, as far as I know, he, too, has nothing to do with the ‘HIMYM’ finale.)
Q: Are there any nice people in ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’?
A: Well, Captain America is certainly a nice guy. Oh, and Sam Wilson (Anthony Mackie) is nice, too.
Q: Who is Sam Wilson?
A: Sam Wilson is a former paratrooper who Captain America meets while jogging (which is kind of cute, actually). After people in high-ranking positions start betraying Captain America (ahem, that Pierce fellow) and this Winter Soldier fellow shows up (which is another betrayer), Cap’ turns to Sam for help.
Q: Is Sam a superhero?
A: Sam just happens to have been trained on some sort of winged-paratrooper device, so, yes, he is Falcon.
Q: Is there anything you could say to stop me from seeing ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’?
A: Absolutely not.
Q: What’s the best thing about ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’?
A: Even though the plot flies off the rails at times, the espionage/spy movie aspect of the movie is pretty great. Captain America just happens to be a man from a completely different era and he has no idea who to trust. Now, the people he thought he could trust have betrayed him and he’s a man on the run – along with his only two pals, Falcon and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) — with very few options.
Q: What’s the worst thing about ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’?
A: I’m hesitant to call it the “worst” thing, but, boy there’s a weird scene that involves Arnim Zola (Toby Jones) reprising his character from the first film, only now he’s a basically an Atari 2600. And, yes, I know that in the comics Zola becomes a computer, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not really weird.
Q: Can you play ‘Yars’ Revenge’ on Arnim Zola?
A: It’s not specifically mentioned one way or another, but I can only assume that Arnim Zola could let you play ‘Yars’ Revenge’ on him.
A: Again, maybe.
Q: Oh, wait, wasn’t the Winter Soldier in ‘The Poseidon Adventure’?
A: No. You’re thinking of Shelly Winters.
Q: Is ‘Captain America: The Winter Soldier’ the best Marvel movie?
A: No, but it’s certainly one of their better offerings.
Q: In the end, does Captain America defeat Shelly Winters?
A: Again, Shelly Winters isn’t…oh, f— it. Yes, (spoiler alert) Captain America defeats Shelly Winters.
Q: Is ScreenCrush ever going to let you review a movie again?
A: Probably not.
Q: Do you think Arnim Zola would let me play ‘Missile Command’ on him?
Mike Ryan is senior editor for ScreenCrush. You can contact him directly on Twitter.