Once upon a time, there was a movie called Snow White and the Huntsman and it was fine. It made an OK amount of money and people didn’t seem to actively hate it. It just was. There was the requisite talk of a sequel, though the same kind of talk that comes after any movie performs even mildly profitable at the box office. Kristen Stewart, the actual Snow White in the movie, would not be returning, so surely they wouldn’t actually make a sequel, would they? Oh, they did. And it’s something.

As debuted on Twitter today, we have the first four (and hopefully last ever) character posters for The Huntsman: Winter’s War, a movie that looks so egregiously stupid, if you told us this was a Syfy Original Movie, we wouldn’t blink an eye, but if not for the cast, that includes an Oscar winner, a two-time Oscar nominee, a potential 2016 Oscar nominee and Thor. So yes, what of these actors and how the heck did Universal Pictures convince this cast, which is so clearly above this material, to participate?

Well, Chris Hemsworth and Charlize Theron both starred in the original and were likely contractually obligated to return. We’re sure they were paid handsomely for their required participation and, while we don’t really like it, at least we understand it. As for Emily Blunt and Jessica Chastain, two women at the absolute top of their game who could almost literally choose any project in Hollywood, the decision is less clear. We certainly hope that Universal, flush with Jurassic World cash, also broke the bank for these two actresses because otherwise, this makes very little sense.

Rupert Sanders, who directed the original, is instead directing DreamWorks’ Ghost in the Shell with Scarlett Johansson, and in his place they’ve hired Cedric Nicolas-Troyan, a guy who has no experience directing a movie, but he did make all the pretty visual effects in the first film, so…

If you’re chuckling as you read this, hold on, get a load of this plot:

Long before the evil Queen Ravenna (Theron) was thought vanquished by Snow White’s blade, she watched silently as her sister, Freya (Blunt), suffered a heartbreaking betrayal and fled their kingdom.  With Freya’s ability to freeze any enemy, the young ice queen has spent decades in a remote wintry palace raising a legion of deadly huntsmen—including Eric (Hemsworth) and warrior Sara (Chastain)—only to find that her prized two defied her one demand: Forever harden your hearts to love.

When Freya learns of her sister’s demise, she summons her remaining soldiers to bring the Magic Mirror home to the only sorceress left who can harness its power.  But once she discovers Ravenna can be resurrected from its golden depths, the wicked sisters threaten this enchanted land with twice the darkest force it’s ever seen.  Now, their amassing army shall prove undefeatable…unless the banished huntsmen who broke their queen’s cardinal rule can fight their way back to one another.

The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which we’re trying to keep a straight face while saying out loud, opens in theaters on April 22, 2016.

Chris Hemsworth Huntsman poster
Emily Blunt Huntsman poster
Jessica Chastain Huntsman poster
Charlize Theron Huntsman poster

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