What is 'Ev and Ocho?' Yeah, we weren't so sure, either, until VH1 pulled whatever this new reality abomination is from their schedule, prompting us to actually care about it. Turns out it's a show about a football player getting married, but SPOILER ALERT: He beats her up after the wedding.

The football player in question: Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson, formerly of the Cincinnati Bengals. Johnson was scheduled to begin playing for the Miami Dolphins in the upcoming season, but football is boring, so let's talk about the real reason we're all here today.

Turns out Johnson had filmed a reality show with his wife, Evelyn, for VH1 over the summer. The show chronicled their wedding and all the fuss leading up to it, like, should they coordinate their flower arrangements with his team colors or should he get a tattoo with her name circled by dolphins to symbolize eternity or whatever.

None of that matters now, though, because Johnson was arrested for beating his new bride over the weekend. The altercation left Evelyn with a laceration on her forehead and left us with the following information:

We now know there is a man who -- willingly, and this is important -- calls himself "Ochocinco." We know he is a physically abusive person, which just cements our desire to not know him. And we also know he was going to have a reality show...

Until VH1 cancelled it following the arrest. Also cancelled? His upcoming season with the Miami Dolphins. Dolphins don't approve of spousal abuse, "Ochocinco." Dolphins are majestic creatures who celebrate love and freedom and cool undersea noises. How dare you besmirch the name of the great dolphin. You will be judged accordingly.

But seriously, Chad (see, it's serious, we're using your given name) -- please stop beating women. There's no excuse.