I Am Eating Everything on Denny’s ‘Masters of the Universe’ Menu

By the power of Grayskull, I shall eat a milkshake topped with Pop Rocks!

And also a burger with ... wait ... pulled beef on top? And pancakes with ... mint chocolate chip ice cream and chocolate sauce? Does Grayskull derive its power from foods topped with other foods that should not be combined into a single dish?

I’ve just arrived at Northern New Jersey’s most New York adjacent Denny’s to find out. That’s right; I crossed state lines to eat a He-Man burger. Don’t ever say I don’t make sacrifices for journalism.

I needed to be here at this random suburban Denny’s because they just created an entire menu inspired by Amazon’s new live-action Masters of the Universe movie that’s headed to theaters this month. I haven’t watched it yet, so I assume there’s a scene — perhaps the very climax of the film — where, in order to defeat Skeletor, He-Man must consume an enormous mound of pancakes with a scoop of ice cream on top. (“Ahhhhh, that hits the spot. Now I have the power to stop Jared Leto’s reign of terror!”)

READ MORE: A Brief History of Movie Tie-In Food

Why subject myself to the culinary definition of a hat on a hat? Because for more than a decade, I have done my best to eat every weird culinary creation based on a motion picture or television show. And when a restaurant like Denny’s creates a whole menu based around a movie (like Fantastic Four or Solo: A Star Wars Story or Beetlejuice Beetlejuice) I don’t eat just one of the dishes, I eat all of them.

I’ve hosted podcasts. I worked in television for five years. I’ve covered every major film festival in the world, written multiple books, and won several awards. Sadly this profoundly embarrassing endeavor is now what I’m known for. At parties, people introduce me to strangers as the guy “who, when a chain restaurant makes tie-in food, eats it all while people laugh at him.” It’s funny because I’m slowly killing myself. Ha ha ha!

Today I’m eating Denny’s Masters of the Universe menu which consists of all the aforementioned items — a powerfully meaty burger, a popping Skeletor milkshake, and ice cream pancakes — plus a fourth dish, something called “Jr. Grayskull’s Epic Cracklecakes.” I’m not sure what a “cracklecake” is, but given the sheer number of calories I’m about to cram into my trap jaw, the “junior” aspect of that one is kind of appealing. It will be a true Wun-Dar if I eat it all.

Thankfully, I don’t have to brave this feast alone. He-Man has Man-At-Arms, I’ve got my faithful ally Griffin Newman — who is an especially valuable (he-)man on this quest, because not only does he share my fascination with tie-in menus, as the voice of Orko on Masters of the Universe: Revelation and Revolution, he is an actual member of the Masters of the Universe, uh, universe. Hopefully while he voiced the character he learned a magic spell we can use to alleviate nausea. I have a feeling we’re going to need it.

We’re just getting underway here, so keep checking back. We’ll be documenting our reactions course by course, supplemented by photos comparing Denny’s official images to the actual food. Assuming it doesn’t take an eternia to get our order, our first course will be here momentarily.

UPDATE #1

King Grayskull, I beseech thee: Grant me strength to eat these ice cream pancakes.

We’re starting this morning with Eternia’s Premium Breakfast Slam. It contains:

“Buttermilk pancakes crowned with mint chocolate chip ice cream and chocolate drizzle. Served with eggs, hash browns, and your choice of bacon or sausage. (970-1770 calories)”

Here is the image in the menu:

And here is what we were served:

(We got all the other stuff in the Slam, too, they just came on a separate plate, which I for one appreciated because I did not necessarily need my hash browns slathered in chocolate syrup.)

Let’s get this out of the way right now: Ice cream on pancakes go together like He-Man and Skeletor. Wait, is that what this is all about? Is this supposed to be a culinary representation of the titanic struggle between these two on a plate? Am I overthinking this? Did Denny’s underthink this? Can it be both?

Whatever the larger allegorical meaning, this is a food that has never been attempted by a restaurant before for a reason. The hot pancakes instantly started to melt the cold ice cream, and when eaten together, your mouth gets blasted by these two competing extremes. I happen to like mint chocolate chip ice cream, but I know it’s a contentious flavor; I’m a little surprised they didn’t choose a more crowd-pleasing favorite like vanilla or chocolate. The larger issue: Texturally, you’re taking a big bite of mush, covered in sludge, drizzled with goo. Not a choice I would have personally made!

Like the 1987 Dolph Lundgren Masters of the Universe movie, this was a colossal flop. But maybe the next course will be better? It’s got Pop Rocks!

UPDATE #2

Here’s a live photo of me charging into Denny’s to eat “cracklecakes.”

Yes, we’re going to try the Jr. Grayskull’s Epic Cracklecakes next. And what, pray tell, is a “cracklecake,” you ask? Here is how Denny’s describes it:

Three silver-dollar pancakes drizzled with vanilla cream and topped with a "magical" burst of popping candy. (265-630 calories)

The junior component is no joke. When Griffin and I attempted to order it, our waitress immediately pushed back.

“That’s for kids,” she insisted.

“That’s okay,” I replied. “We’ll still try it.”

(Let’s be honest here: I’m eating an entire menu of Masters of the Universe food for the amusement of strangers on the internet. Clearly, I am a child.)

Our waitress eventually relented, and chose the path of least resistance, and put in our order for the kids pancakes — and three other Masters of the Universe foods.

Here’s what the menu picture looks like:

And here’s what we ate:

As you can see, we got way more goo than advertised. The “crackle” component comes from the “magical” popping candy sprinkled on top. There wasn’t any noticeable crackling, but Griffin did notice that the candy added a less-than-appealing gritty texture. (“Like eating sand,” is the phrase I believe he used.) Is there a sand monster in Masters of the Universe? Does He-Man battle the scourge of Sandor, or something? If so, bravo Denny’s. You nailed it.

If not, then I’m afraid this one is another miss. Besides the textural debacle (the second in a row!), the candy lent the generous portion of goo a mysteriously tropical flavor. Intensely sweet, unplaceable accent notes, chewing tiny rocks ... it’s a real potpourri of weird and unpleasant.

So we’re two for two — or Two Bad for Two Bad — so far. But surely the He-Man burger will turn this all around. He’s a hero! Save us He-Man! Save us with your burger topped with added meat!!!!

UPDATE #3

In the 10+ years, I have eaten some weird tie-in food. And this food is, in my professional opinion, pretty darn weird.

Let’s look at the Masters of the Universe menu’s big savory course, the “He-Man Battle Burger.” It contains:

A heroic stack of juicy beef, hand-pulled beef, and crispy bacon with BBQ sauce, lettuce, tomato, red onions, and pickles. Served with wavy-cut fries. (1060-1450 calories)

It’s supposed to look like this:

And this is what it actually looked like in the restaurant:

Almost by default, this was the best item so far. It was somewhat close to actual food that I could sort of see a non-insane person ordering. Of course, no one needs a burger with additional pulled beef on top. When you add in bacon and barbecue sauce you get the very definition of what my friend and colleague in ill-advised chain restaurant eating Nick Wiger calls “Ungapatchka” — something that is so excessive and over-the-top that it becomes less appealing than if was a little more restrained. 

Weirdly, a burger patty and a big pile of pulled beef kind of cancel each other out, flavor-wise. Mostly what I taste is the barbecue sauce — which is not even on par with a KC Masterpiece or a Kraft brand condiment. With a better sauce, this could have been a little more memorable, and almost good. Ditto if it was just a really good, well-cooked burger, or a nicely smoked pile of brisket. As it was, I would simply say it was just fine. (Is this a metaphor for the way Hollywood blockbusters like Masters of the Universe consistently mistake bigger for better? You tell me!)

Not that this has anything to do with He-Man or battles or Masters of the Universe. Yes, I will be battling with my own digestive system in about 25 minutes. Otherwise, I fail to see any meaningful connection. I guess He-Man is a big beefcake-y dude, so a big beefy burger sort of matches that. But I’m really grasping at straws (or beef) here.

Speaking of grasping at straws, I’m gonna grab one right now and drink this Skeletor milkshake before I buzz off and go home.

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