I Ate and Drank Everything on Dunkin’s ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ Menu

Avengers: Assemble!

(To be clear: By “Avengers,” I mean donuts. By “Assemble,” I mean congregate inside my mouth. And by “!” I mean “Some really questionable life choices brought me to this moment, but I am a middle-aged father two children and it’s too late to start over.”)

With about six weeks to go before the big debut of Avengers: Doomsday, the rollout of what is sure to be a multiverse of tie-in products and foods is fully underway. Today, Dunkin’ Donuts launched an incursion of baked goods and caffeinated beverages upon our world with the debut of their Avengers: Doomsday themed foods and drinks.

And now I will eat and drink all of it.

This is my gift and my curse. Like the members of the X-Men, I was born with a remarkable mutant power. No, I can’t shoot lasers out of my eyes or speak telepathically or gain knowledge by touching my hand to a television set, rolling my eyes back in my head, and hissing “LLLLEEEEARNINGGG.”

Instead, I have the superhuman ability to consume extreme amounts of fast food inspired by movies. For over a decade, whenever a chain restaurant releases a menu of food inspired by a movie —no matter how tangentially — I eat all of it and report back on my findings. (My secondary mutation is my total lack of shame, as I will clearly debase myself — and destroy my body — for the sake of content.)

Much like Earth’s Mightiest Heroes of the Avengers, I stand as the first line of defense against these menus. I do it so you can decide for yourself whether you want to try something called a “Doom Cloud Latte.”

My own anxiety notwithstanding, Dunkin’ clearly believes their Doomsday menu will be a big driver of traffic to their stores; they even made an TV spot for it, starring Marvel’s three biggest stars of the moment: Channing Tatum, H.E.R.B.I.E. the Fantastic Four’s adorable robot sidekick, and Channing Tatum’s baffling Cajun accent as the suave X-Man Gambit.

Okay Gambit, you convinced me. I’m about to make a name for myself by eating two different donuts and a couple of Munchkins while guzzling down not one, not two, not even three or four or five, but six different energy drinks. (Hey, quick question for a friend: How many milligrams of caffeine can a person safely ingest before it becomes toxic? My friend is my cardiologist, by the way.)

All I know is this: If this be doomsday at least I died the way I lived: Making really bad decisions in order to entertain people.

READ MORE: I Also Ate Blumhouse Cheetos, Which Were Far Scarier Than Any Blumhouse Movie