Somewhere in the Pacific Ocean, shrouded in mystery and a hurricane that never dissipates, lies a place beyond comprehension. It is Skull Island, a land where God never finished creation. It is home to monstrosities beyond imagination. Massive spiders with limbs like bamboo poles. Hideous lizard beasts known as skull-walkers. Also, street tots.

Yes, that’s right, tater tots from the streets. Can your mind comprehend the pure insanity?!?

That is the question posed by Johnny Rockets and their theme menu devoted to the new movie Kong: Skull IslandOur editor-and-masochist-in-chief Matt Singer has already eaten the entire menu and documented the experience in a spine-tingling and stomach-churning live-blog. Before he did it, though, he sought advice in the fine art of gorgery from a professional: 2017 Wing Bowl champion The Notorious B.O.B.

Mr. B.O.B. holds many impressive and/or terrifying eating records. According to his Wikipedia page, he once ate 34 (and three-quarter!) brisket sandwiches in 10 minutes. So eating the Kong menu — two double cheese burgers, a double bacon chicken sandwich, and the aforementioned “street tots” — is like a veritable aperitif. 

So just how fast can a professional eater destroy the Kong: Skull Island menu? See for yourself.

Yes, two minutes and 45 seconds. Readers, I sat next to him as he did this and I must tell you: It was one of the most impressive (and nauseating) things I have ever witnessed. Even more impressive (and nauseating)? When he was done, the Notorious B.O.B. went to go get a slice of pizza (or 20). That man is a true champion.

I, on the other hand, am not a champion. I‘m not a professional eater, either. I do these extreme eating challenges mostly out of my fascination with blockbuster movie marketing, along with a deep sense of self-hatred that I really should get diagnosed one of these days. Until I can find the right therapist and/or medication to sort this all out, this is what I do: I eat lots of food for the amusement of others. And so here is what happened when I tried to match the Notorious B.O.B. bite for bite and burger for burger.

We don’t have the exact time it took me to eat it all (and truth be told, I didn’t finish all those damn street tots — seriously, who needs that many tater tots?!?), but I will concede this: It was at least three our four minutes more than it took the Notorious B.O.B. Okay, maybe more like five or six.

But that’s not going to stop me from trying this again. If you haven’t gotten enough evidence that I am clinically insane and probably shouldn’t be allowed to have and raise children, here’s a video of another of my eating feats. I’ll see you next time the movies and fast food collide — and with the Power Rangers teaming with Krispy Kreme for a whole buffet of special morphin’ time donuts, it probably won’t be too long.

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